Jade Fires
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: Usagi as concubine in Mamoru's harem. Revamping now.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes: This story is quite AU-ish, and although you may recognize many of the characters, little of 'Sailor Moon' is left. It is set in a time and a place not quite coinciding with history, for I've created a bit of a mystical fantasy world. A mix of ancient China, ancient Japan, and 1800 England: something from my own imagination. I'm not sure how well this world of mine will be received, but I have chosen to set this story without any true basis in history, since the 'Sailor Moon' characters are the stars.

This story is rated 'R' for a reason, and the inspiration for this story came from '_Memoirs of a Geisha_' and '_Empress Orchid_.' It will not, I hope, follow the strict storylines contained within these novels. I in no way wish to plagiarize these fabulous works; I am only creating my own story with characters of Takuechi-san's imagination, and a world of my own making.

With this said, please enjoy the story. I am setting it within Japan, since that is where 'Sailor Moon' was originally set. I don't wish to take them away from their homeland.

&

"_Jade Fires_"

Chapter 1: "_**Bridge to Heaven**_"

--

My Imperial life began when my family's money ran out. My mother died two years ago, and father has struggled to keep the family together. But finally there was no money, and I was sent to the Emperor's palace. Concubines are being chosen, and I will take my place among them. It is not without difficulties to be among the few picked the grace the Emperor's harem, and I do not question how my father achieved this coveted position for me.

I am not a beautiful woman, nor am I ordinary. My father has said that my cerulean eyes are very rare indeed, especially for Japan. My blonde hair, a curse from birth, has been dyed black to match with everyone else in our homeland. My father says that people would begin to wonder if my mother had broken the marriage vows, when in fact it is my father's white-skinned ancestors that have given me this pigmentation.

I have heard tales of the Emperor Mamoru, who is said to be a gentle man with his concubines, nothing like his deceased father. Mao was a tyrant, delighting in the pain he gave to the women under his rule.

All women who serve the Son of Earth are desired by even the lowliest of farmers. My father is a vassal to his lord Mamoru; my family was poor and they farm as the seasons allow. Without the rain, the crops have dried up and poverty has come to our door. This is why I must seek out the Emperor's favor.

If I become a concubine, I would be one of the most important women in Japan. I could follow in the footsteps of Narue, who turned the head of Emperor Mao with her gentle beauty and ruled Japan behind the scenes. Gaining that much power is every woman's dream, but so few achieve it.

I am Tsukino Usagi, daughter of Ikuko, who was once a noble-born woman. But my mother's father hated women, and foisted Ikuko off onto Kenji who was a poor farmer with illusions of grandeur. Ikuko's father, my grandfather, knew that Kenji would fail and that the family would be poverty-stricken until Ikuko died. My mother's family has died, as far as I know, and I cannot claim the blood of a noble family.

It is only by chance and luck that I managed to win this contest of beauty and wits and become the emperor's concubine. Today, I travel to the Imperial City to begin my training. I have heard that I must be taught how to skillfully seduce His Majesty so that I will not disappoint him in the bedroom. Although with a wife -- who has yet to be chosen from his harem -- and thousands of other concubines with more skill, I cannot see why I must be trained thusly.

I cannot disappoint the emperor, though, and as I alight from the carriage pulled by four white horses, I gaze in wonder at the palace. This will now be my home, and I find it very impressive indeed. Brought from the bowels of poverty, I have never expected to be blessed with such a life.

Can I overlook the fact that I must please His Majesty sexually if I am to keep this lavish lifestyle? I must. I do not care for my father, because he sent me away to this fate.

"Lady Usagi, we must hurry." The servant is tentative, but there is a rushed look on his face. "Emperor Mamoru will be making his daily rounds soon, and he will wish to meet his newest concubine. You must be prepared to receive him behind the _shoji_ screen, in your best kimono!"

"I am coming. I am sorry for the delay."

My mincing words, my now hurried steps and frightened look all combine to send the servant into a flurry of speech. "You are above me, Lady Usagi! Please, treat me roughly and do not apologize to me. If His Majesty heard such a thing, he would be scandalized. You are an Imperial concubine; you have the most power of any woman."

I understand this servant's words. He is telling me that I am blessed with the most power that a woman can achieve in this time, second only to the Emperor's first wife. But how can that be? From my understanding, concubines are only slightly higher on the hierarchy scale than prostitutes. What advantages do we -- I -- have?

The servant, who has introduced himself as Motoki, explains as he helps me to dress. (Apparently, here in the palace men and women don't need to be separated. Something about the male servants being cut off from the normal male urges...)

His explanation is this: "The Daughter of the Moon, who will be chosen as Emperor Mamoru's first wife, is only slightly less powerful than the emperor himself. The concubines follow swiftly in the women's scale of power, because they can bend the emperor's ear with the right talents. You must take all of the prestige afforded to you and use it to your advantage. You are a famous woman now, Lady Usagi, and you must not forget that."

I finish dressing and situate myself on a mat behind the rice-paper screen just moments before the emperor's presence is announced by a servant. I wonder how the man will judge me if I am hidden from his gaze. I watch as he enters the room, and I gasp audibly as I see his eyes. They are blue, like mine! Is the blood of the Imperial family tainted somehow, far back in the line?

_Emperor Mao's first wife, Lady Utsu, was always alone when Mao went to his concubines for pleasure. He chose Utsu only because of her family's power, and wished to ally them with the Imperial family. Rumor has it that Lady Utsu took many lovers to her lonely bed, even foreign devils. Some say that Emperor Mamoru is the child of one of these clandestine meetings._

The history lesson from my father drifts into my mind momentarily, but I push it away as the emperor settles on a mat in front of the rice-paper screen. I realized belatedly that, if I can tell the emperor's eye color, then the screen is transparent. _This screen must be a special one for meeting with His Majesty_, I think to myself, _I've always heard that the _shoji _screens that high-born ladies hide behind are so that common people cannot see them, only their silhouette._

"Lady Usagi." His voice is pleasant -- not too high, not too low, but a husky timbre that is beautiful to hear. "You are the newest concubine to come to the Imperial palace. I have been told that your beauty is surpassed even by my lady mother, and I can see the truth of these words. Are you prepared to serve me as necessary?"

My throat closes up, and I grasp for words. "Yes, Emperor."

I cannot say anything more; I am too in awe of this man's presence. If I am to be one of his many lovers, I must find my voice when around him.

"Your hairstyle is quite unusual, Lady Usagi. Where did you get the idea for such a thing?" His conversation is casual, and I answer in kind. He suddenly snaps at me: "It is far too creative. You must get rid of it; it has no place in the Imperial court."

I wish to complain about this order, but I know that I cannot deny the emperor's law. He says that he will send his best hairdresser to find a new trademark style for my ebony locks, but I want to shout that it is not necessary. My blonde hair has already been hidden beneath this ebony dye, and now my hairstyle is to be changed. Can I keep nothing of my former life now that I'm Mamoru's concubine?

"The Empress Utsu will be along to speak with you shortly. I expect you to receive her just the same way you've received me: with a proper amount of respect and decorum. Do you think you can manage that, Lady Usagi?"

"Of course."

I speak softly, bowing my head in obedience. The life of a woman is not much, but I am glad that I am not a street-corner prostitute. I could be a _geisha_, I suppose, but my father had far grander notions than entertaining middle-class workers. Being the emperor's concubine is a step up, at least, and my fate isn't so bad.

Motoki is a very considerate servant, I've come to realize even in these few short hours, and he helps me to relax after the emperor leaves. "You must be very careful around Empress Utsu; she is very protective of her son. Rumor has it that many concubines who have been seen by Empress Utsu as too tempting or too crafty have met with untimely deaths."

I can hardly believe a mother's love can be so deep that she will kill people she believes to be taking advantage of her son. Empress Utsu managed to gain Lord Mao's favor, and as the first wife she had many advantages over the concubines of his harem. But despite these compensations, she still slept with other men, including foreigners.

One of these foreigners is obviously Emperor Mamoru's father, but there can be no speculation of this. Lady Utsu used her power against her husband, reminding Mao that as the first wife, her son took precedence over the concubines. Normally, if the son was determined to _not_ be the emperor's child, the woman was executed for her infidelity and the child was summarily dismissed to a labor camp or adopted by a family without an heir.

Instead of such a fate, Empress Utsu had somehow used her considerable influence to make Mao claim the first-born son as his own. The recent emperor was a half-foreign dog, and everyone who gazed into his eyes knew the truth, but there could be no talk of it for fear of death.

I know that if anyone knew about my own foreign roots I would be cast out of the palace. I have never been able to dye my hair on my own -- always fighting against my father, in fact -- but now I know that to keep this honored position I have to fit in as best as I can. To do that, I must find help to keep my hair dyed its blackest. Motoki seems to be trustworthy so far, perhaps he will aid me.

Before I left the farm, father was certain to dye my hair one last time, but I know that it won't be long before the blonde begins to show. I have always fought against the dying procedure, but now it may be this annoying act that saves me from being banned from the Imperial palace.

&

Empress Utsu has come and gone, and the visit was quite satisfactory, I believe. She was very polite, almost to a level of annoyance, but I understand that she only wishes to know about the new concubine her son's emissaries have chosen. Motoki kneels across the room, not saying anything as I gaze into the reflective surface of a bejeweled mirror.

"All of this is so new to me," I say in a quiet tone, glancing at the servant briefly. "All of this richness... What does a poor farmer's daughter do with all of this?"

The servant's eyes flicker as he smiles. "You will come to be used to it, Lady Usagi. There is never a woman in the Imperial Palace who does not learn to live with all of the beauty. Who would want to escape from it?"

"It is a gilded cage," I say, reciting a line that I heard from a _geisha_ who visited my small village once. The woman was so refined, so beautiful, and I could only stare as her servants carefully kept the hem of her gorgeous kimono out of the dust. She seemed to be a goddess, so beautiful in her porcelain-like state. I wonder now if she was the concubine of Lord Mao?

Motoki's eyes are studying me carefully, but I only smile my small secret smile and shake my head lightly. He cannot understand how I feel: being uprooted from my home and taken to something so foreign to prepare for a life I can only imagine. I will never forget the sad, trapped look in the eyes of the _geisha_ who visited my village; perhaps she was looking for a way to escape the Imperial Palace and Lord Mao's attentions. Or maybe she fled from Lady Utsu's horrible jealousy?

"Motoki, can you help me to learn the workings of the Imperial lifestyle? In my village, there is so little to know. Life rises and sets like the sun, and we work until death. But here, I have a chance to become something new; something better than what my parents expected for me. I'd like to prove myself worthy of this honor."

The servant looks at me grimly, but I can understand the sympathy. "You are here because your father sold you. How can you find honor in that?"

"It is my life now. Despite how it happened, I cannot forget that I was sold here because of fate's design. Even though my father sold me into the emperor's service, surely there is a good reason for it."

I can see the skeptical look in Motoki's eyes, but he wisely says nothing. Is it only because of my new position that I do not hear his true feelings on the matter? "I hope to always have your honesty, Motoki."

"I am assigned to meet all of your needs, my lady."

It is not the response I was hoping for, but it is enough. Now if I can only swallow down the nervousness that consumes me... Just what will the emperor expect of me when he comes to my bed?


	2. Changing Soul

****

"Changing Soul"

The emperor has held strong on his word: a woman is at the door to my room, shears in hand, prepared to change my personal hairstyle. Can the emperor not see that this is my trademark; my identity? She is walking toward me, but there is no sympathy in her gaze.

"The emperor has asked that I find a new hairstyle for you, Lady Usagi. Something a bit less… distracting."

I hear the words she speaks, and my heart beats faster. Why must everything about me be changed, now that I've entered the palace? _Being a commoner is no good… _But why must it be so sudden? Can I not hold on to plain Usagi for a little while longer before I must become Lady Usagi?

As the woman clips at my hair, I am reminded of Narue; the famous woman who was able to turn Lord Mao's head. Although Narue became Emperor Mao's favorite, it was his wife who eventually bore him a son. A concubine taking away Lady Utsu's power… Surely the empress wanted her revenge.

"Hold your head still!"

The hairdresser jerks my head back into the position she wants it, and I wait with aching muscles in my neck. It is all for the emperor; for my new life here in the palace: I must remember that. Motoki sits calmly to the side of the room; perhaps he has seen this taking of a woman's identity before.

"You are the emperor's newest concubine," the hairdresser says slyly. "Will you make friends with the others so that you can more skillfully battle to attain the position of his honored wife?"

I grimace and must remind myself not to shrug. It will annoy the hairdresser who needs me to stay still, and it is the move of a commoner; a lady would never lower herself to such a gesture. "If I were to become the emperor's wife, it would be a change for the worse. Why take on the burden of such power, when the life I have now is satisfactory? As a concubine, I must only worry about myself and pleasing the emperor when he chooses to visit my bed. As the empress, there would be many more duties and a life of stress."

There is a cackling laugh, and there is a tight jerk against my head. "First one to say so truthfully! You are clever, eh? Maybe you'll be the one to challenge the emperor the way Narue challenged Emperor Mao."

"You knew them both?"

I can only breath the question softly, my eyes widening as my heart speeds up. Is it possible that this gray-haired woman once knew the esteemed Narue who managed to attain such an unheard of position?

"Of course! Old Mikagi's eyes see everything in this palace, and these ears have heard many rumors on the streets. But Narue… Ah, she was not a beautiful woman, but it wasn't her looks that ensnared Emperor Mao."

"Can you tell me, Mikagi-sama, just how did Narue become the emperor's favorite? Did she not fear persecution by the Lady Utsu?"

"I have said too much already!"

There is another sharp jerk at my head as the woman snaps at me; refusing to say more. Perhaps Mikagi is not a woman who likes to gossip overmuch, as I have heard that some hairdressers do. Is she paid for her silence?

Motoki cannot meet my eyes after the woman leaves, but I only ready myself for sleep. It has been a trying day, and now I have lost the last remnants who I was before coming to the Imperial palace. At least my memories are intact, but eventually they will fade with time.

Although I have been here for a week, the emperor has yet to visit my bed, and for this I am relieved. He has many other women to service; women who may even now be carrying his heir. I do not wish to become the next brood mare, but it is now to be my fate.

Some would say that the gods have rejected me by sending me here, and yet others would say that I am very blessed indeed. Which philosophy should I believe?

&&&&

"You favor the singing of the birds, Lady Usagi. And so I have brought you this gift."

I look up from the poem I was composing to see the emperor gesturing forth a timid-looking servant who bears a wooden cage. Within the cage is a parakeet, who darts around nervously within its confines. "A bird… " I say kindly, seeing the beauty of its colorful feathers.

"Does this not bring you joy, Lady Usagi?"

The emperor commands an answer, and I smile at him tightly. My painted lips are carefully arranged in the happy gesture, but I am having a hard time making the smile believable. "It is a fine bird, Emperor."

"But?"

He can sense the hesitation in my voice, and I must climb to my feet and walk toward the wooden cage. Kneeling next to it, I peer through the thin bars at the bird. Its small eyes look at me, frightened and wary. "Although he is beautiful," I say, "his song will not come if he is so frightened. I cannot let you cage this gorgeous creature; it is inhuman. Can we not let him fly, so that his song of thanks will pour from his beak instead of a tune of misery?"

Mamoru's expression is one of shock, and the servants look at him nervously. "You do not wish to keep the gift I have brought you?" he finally says incredulously.

I shake my head. "It is beautiful, emperor, truly. I am grateful, but… How can I enjoy the bird's presence if his song is one of entrapment? I would much rather that he be free on the currents of air, singing joyfully far away."

"So be it."

Perhaps no one has ever rejected the gift given to them by the emperor, but I will be the first if that is the case. I cannot in good conscience keep this bird trapped behind wooden bars only so that I may hear his song. Taking the cage, I carefully go to the veranda and release the door. The parakeet is hesitant, not leaving its confines quickly.

"Do not fear," I whisper. "You are free."

I have been told by Motoki that the emperor brings a gift before he visits a concubines bed, and this is surely that gift. But what will happen now that I have released the bird?

I can feel the emperor standing behind me as the bird slowly leaves the cage, flying off as soon as it is assured of its true freedom. "You are a gentle woman, Lady Usagi. So many others would have left the bird in its cage, greedily taking its song for themselves, or keeping it merely because I gave it. You chose another path; I admire you for that." He pauses, then says: "I knew that you were different."

The emperor's words are gratifying, but I cannot dare to hope that this is how Narue captured Mao's attentions. If she was not beautiful, as Mikagi says, then how did she ensnare Mao's awareness away from his own wife? Could it be actions such as I have performed?

"I will come to you tonight. Be prepared for my arrival after the sun sets, Lady Usagi."

I understand his words, and I am fearful. After the emperor leaves my chambers, I cannot return to the poem I so foolishly had been trying to write. In the palace, there are so few diversions and poetry seems to be one of the most popular among the idle concubines. But I do not seem to have an affinity for it, and I cannot concentrate on such a thing now that I know what will happen on this night.

I am still so clueless about what happens between a man and woman, although Motoki has explained it in detail. But tonight, I will truly learn the mysteries that happen during the night. I can only hope that the emperor will be pleased with me, for I am so inexperienced.

"Was the test not performed?"

"Test?"

I look at Motoki in curiousness, and he frowns at me. "The test to assure your virginity. No concubine who enters the palace can ever have been with another man. After the emperor takes her to his bed, she is free to take other lovers, of course. But for the emperor to take a woman who has known another man's touch is forbidden within these walls… "

Shaking my head, I look at the servant. "There was such a test, yes. But why must you ask?"

"I saw the glint of suspicion in the eyes of the servant who brought the caged bird. He saw that you understood the birds sadness, and perhaps he felt that you had known possession under another man's rule. If he warns the emperor to be on the lookout for deceptions… "

"But there was a test!" I cry, not understand how this could be possible. "The woman at the village confirmed it before I came to the palace. I could not get here otherwise, is it not so?"

"If enough money is exchanged, anything is possible… "

I gasp, shaking my head frantically. "No man has touched me! I do not even understand what happens in the bed, although you have tried to explain it to me. How can the emperor believe such lies?"

Motoki looks at me, and I can see an underlying sadness in his gaze. The brown eyes of my friend are so expressive, and he smiles dejectedly. "Will you take a lover after the emperor claims your virginity?"

My eyes widen, and I gasp audibly. "Why would I do such a thing?"

"Entertainment. A diversion from the boring life of a palace concubine. Any number of reasons; all of the women do it. If you choose someone of high rank who has not been snapped up by the other harem women, you will be able to have many gifts. The emperor cannot favor one concubine over the other, but such a lover will be able to grant you much power; many expensive gifts."

Nibbling at my bottom lip, I see true concern in the servant's eyes. "If I take a lover, it will not be for power."

I do not know how false those words will become in the coming months. I do not understand yet how I will be tempted to betray my promise to keep the emperor as the only man in my bed. He cannot be the only one to possess my body, when so many others have known the touch of his.

I reach up with a trembling hand to feel the edges of my hair. It has been cut off to just an inch past my shoulders, and it is unusual to have such a short length. Without my usual hairstyle, I feel as if I am not myself. But then, I am no longer the person I was before coming to the palace.

Have I truly changed so much? "The emperor will be here tonight; we must prepare you for his arrival. Do you know how you would like to appear before him, Lady Usagi? If you wish to wear your best kimono, or entice him with your bare skin?"

Gasping, my eyes fly to the servant. "Bare skin?! I cannot be so forward, Motoki! What would the emperor think of me then?"

The man shrugs, and I can see that he is disgusted by my show of innocence. "Many of the concubines do that and more, even on their first time. Why would you not want to entice the emperor?"

I look at him, and I can see true puzzlement in Motoki's eyes. "I… am not so sure of myself," I whisper. "How can I bare myself so freely before the emperor? He will be my lover, yes, but I am one in a line of many! Can I truly expect to gain much of his attentions? Surely such actions aren't needed; he will only visit me on the times when another has not claimed his bed. And after he takes a wife, I will be forgotten."

The servant has heard of this plight often, certainly, while working in the palace. So why does he not scoff at my worries? "Concubines are not often cast aside after a wife is chosen," Motoki says. "The emperor will not want to give up the freedom of visiting many women, and if his wife is a shrew who forbids this, he will find another to claim that position at his side."

I know that what Motoki says is true: this harem would not have been collected for the emperor's pleasure if he would give it up after his marriage. In fact, the bride he chooses might well be from the group of concubines now living in the palace. Or it could be a princess from a distant land, or even a cousin.

The royal family has no qualms about marrying cousins, no matter how distant. I have never understood this ritual, but I suppose it is better than marrying your sibling for the reason that there is no one else of noble blood -- a practice that I hear was performed in generations past.

Night falls, and the palace slowly becomes silent as darkness crawls across the land. I know that the emperor will be visiting my bed soon, and Motoki and I have decided on a filmy nightdress that will briefly shield me from the emperor's bold perusal.

I can hear footsteps outside the dark room, and the door is opened slowly. The figure walks toward the bed, where I lay nervously. I can feel the sweat on my palms as the emperor stands over me. "Lady Usagi, have you fallen to sleep?"

"No, emperor," I whisper through dry lips. The time has finally come: I will be taken by a man. It is this man who has eventually claimed me; a man who visits many women's bed and will continue to do so. There are no false pretenses between us; I know that I will never have the emperor's full attention.

I can feel his hands on my shoulders as he feels for me in the darkness. Does he think that I will shy away from him if he lights a candle? The covers have been pushed aside, and it will be quite easy for him to claim me. As his newest concubine, one as yet untrained in the arts of the night, I am sure that I'll be just one in a long string for this man.

He lays down next to me, and I can feel that he has already slipped off the robe that he was wearing. Never before have I felt a man's bare skin, and it is better that way: I will be unspoiled as I accept the emperor's loving. But I cannot think of this as an act of love; it is a carnal duty performed for the purpose of gaining offspring.

_The emperor must have an heir_, I remind myself as I feel his touch beneath the cloak of darkness as he removes my clothing. His touch is skilled as it roams across my bare breasts , his fingers expertly bringing the points to sharp nubs. The wetness of his mouth descends as fingers move to my very center; the place that is just now awakening with new aches and feelings I've never experienced before.

I can feel the hardness of his manhood against my hip; I easily recognize the heat of it from Motoki's hurried explanations. I cannot fear the emperor's touch, but as he moves over me and his length probes the curls at my most private spot, I am seized by a feeling of desperation.

Have I been sold only to open my body to this man, and any man hereafter who will grant me expensive gifts? As he thrusts inside of me, I tense at the brief spurt of pain. _Can Motoki hear my moan of pain; the emperor's grunts of satisfaction, from his position in the adjoining room where he spends his nights_?

I cannot fathom why any woman would willingly enter into a life of this, night after night. The sensations are wonderful, and I am in awe of the starburst of color as something inside me seems to burst at the same time the emperor grunts, going deathly still as there is still a pulsing movement from deep inside me.

I enjoy these sensations, and yet being cut off from it emotionally feels wrong somehow. Will I learn to grow and accept these cold feelings, with time? As the emperor pulls away from me, dressing in the darkness, I lay prostrate, carefully regulating my breathing and holding back the sobs that threaten.

"I will come to you again, Lady Usagi."

His words are spoken softly, easily, as if what we have just done has no effect on him. And, most likely, it does not. I am only one in a long line -- but why does that knowledge hurt so much? The emperor has left the room, and I carefully climb to my feet, stumbling over to the pitcher of water on the small dresser. Methodically washing away the stickiness at my thighs, I shrug on a lily-patterned robe before moving to the veranda.

The half moon is shining brightly tonight, only slightly obscured by clouds, and the stars twinkle merrily. The skyscape is more cheerful than I would have preferred, especially after all of the changes that have just taken place on this night. My father has sold me into such a life, but I cannot fault him for it. The family was in dire straits; he would have been deeper in debt if I hadn't gone to the emperor's harem.

It is a bittersweet realization to know that my suffering, my life of imprisonment in the palace, will be to benefit my father. I have gained a life of beauty and wealth, but it is to be shared with the others of the emperor's harem. How is this a life of fairness, if it is to be shared with so many others?

&&&&

"Your time with the emperor was satisfactory?" Motoki asks as he carefully arranges my kimono. Today, I am to speak with some of the other concubines in a meeting at the palace courtyard. There are slight pains in my genital area, and I know that it is from my encounter with the emperor last night. "Now that it is over," Motoki says, "perhaps you will take a lover. There are many generals from the army who would be pleased to call you theirs."

I laugh lightly, and wait as he twists my hair atop my head in a style that is presently fashionable. I still cannot get over the loss of my long locks, and I must be very careful so that the gold will not shine through. I must keep the ebony tresses looking their blackest so that I will not be cast aside for being tainted by the blood of a foreigner.

The women of the harem are very cunning and malicious and they would not hesitate to get me kicked from the palace if they find anything the least bit suspicious about me. "Motoki, there is something secret I must speak to you about, and I hope that I can trust you to help me and to keep my secret. But we will speak of it tonight."

As I walk down the lengthy corridors of the palace, the rustling of my clothing seeming loud to my ears, I notice that there is not a speck of dust on the marble floors. Do servants clean it tirelessly throughout the day so that dirt will not mar the emperor's flawless clothing, or irritate his sinuses?

A soft smile slips onto my lips as I realize that much of this richness is now partly mine. Although I am one of many who shares the emperor's bed at his whim, it still grants me certain powers within the borders of Japan. Other countries would not understand how being the emperor's concubine gives me great power; they would only see me as a slut who sells myself for the material things to be gained.

But it is not that at all; at least not for me. I don't care about the material belongings, I just want the sense of belonging. So what if it is shared with others? It is still something that identifies me: a wealthy concubine in the emperor's harem who will do her best to please him.

Nearing the courtyard, I stand next to the pillars and peer out at the women milling around. Various snippets of conversation reach my ears, but I can hear the underlying animosity between these women. They smile fake painted-on smiles and talk their stilted conversations, all the while trying to claw their way up the rungs of the ladder to being the most desired concubine in Emperor Mamoru's harem, or even gaining the most coveted position: the empress of Japan.

I do not know if I will fit in, but I will try to find my place in this new world that I have adopted. With Motoki's help, perhaps I'll be able to pull it off. I hope I can be like Narue, at least somehow. I do not want to totally claim the emperor; I just want my life to be successful in some way.

&&&&

Author's Notes: I was glad to get so many reviews, just on the first chapter. It's inspired me to write more; I didn't know if anyone would like this type of story. I hope that this chapter is as good as the last, and that the quality hasn't gone down. Please review if you liked, and if you didn't, please tell me what I have to work on -- nicely, if you please. Thank you for reading.


	3. Political Lover

_Author's Notes_: I've decided that I will add just a few -- very few -- elements from the live-action series, such as Kamekichi. But it will be simple so that, if you aren't familiar with PGSM, you'll still be able to follow this story with no problem.

Note: I've been doing a bit of research, and I've found that I have been using the term 'concubine' incorrectly. In this chapter and any following, they will now be referred to as 'courtesans,' which is the correct phrase. Very sorry for this mix-up.

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Standing at the fringe of the gathering of women, I study them from beneath lowered eyelashes. It is a device that every woman uses to study her competition, but I do not think of them as such. To me, they are merely the other women who have known the emperor's touch. For now, how can I feel animosity towards these woman, even if I know they will try to ruin me?

A woman walked up, her violet eyes shining with interest. She wears a red Casablanca-pattered kimono, and she bows beneath my stare, her long raven hair falling to obscure her face. "You must be Lady Usagi. It is nice to finally meet you after all the whispers I've heard about you." The woman pauses, and I am reminded that there are numerous intrigues and betrayals among the women of the emperor's harem. Is this my first rival, then?

"I have heard that there are many whispers in the palace hallways."

The woman laughs at my words, and she nods. "Barely fresh from the village you were plucked from, and already you're speaking so wisely about palace intrigues." She pauses, then shakes her head. "Forgive me: I'm Rei."

Her appearance is familiar to me, for reasons I do not recall, but the name is not one that I recognize. Is Rei a courtesan of stature like Narue; is that where I recognize her face from? "Lady Usagi, we should mingle."

Motoki's voice at my side reminds me of my precarious position. I am the newest woman in the palace who is now competition for all of these women. They won't take kindly to my giving them more rivalry in the fight for Mamoru's complete attentions; and they won't listen if I try to explain that I have no interest in gaining the position of empress.

Everyone else here surely dreams of being empress, but I cannot desire such a foolish position. I must be content with what I've gained in life. Living in the palace is success enough; I can't try to take more than my fair share by vying to become empress. Despite my aversion of the position, the noble blood in my family's line has died out, so I would not be a suitable choice as the emperor's wife.

Moving among the other courtesans after saying my goodbyes to the woman identified as Rei, I field the snide comments and thinly-veiled barbs against my person. "Pay them no mind," the servant whispers to me as we attempt polite conversation with a woman who looks less malicious than the others. "They are only fearful that you will steal away the position of empress before they have gained it."

_But I don't want to be empress_! I long to shout it out so that the others will know that I am no threat, but I know that it will get me in trouble. Perhaps even mortal danger if I let it be known that I have no desire to become the emperor's wife. Mamoru is a stunning man, yes, and I enjoyed our encounter last night even if I was left feeling empty after he deserted my room, but I would not want the stressful duties of becoming empress.

Once you are married to the emperor, it becomes your first duty to produce a male heir before one of the courtesans can. And if you fail to bring into being a successor and one of the courtesans does, you as empress you will be scoffed at by all the people of Japan.

My feet are growing tired, and my head aches, from all of the forced mingling and stressful conversations. The diversions in the palace are slim, and I was never much of a poetry writer, which is the most popular form of ladies entertainment recently. Is it for our amusement that this little gathering has been put together; so that we can study our competition and decide what we're doing wrong? Or is it just a chance for the others, the seasoned lovers of the emperor, to check out their new competition and decide how much of a threat I am?

&&&&

Back in my room after the stuffy meeting is over, I find myself at a loss for a diversion. "Lady Usagi..." the servant says hesitantly as he kneels in the corner of the room. "You wished to speak of a secret on this night?"

I nod slowly, gesturing him closer. "As my trusted servant, I will share this secret with you, Motoki. But I must be assured of your aid and complete silence."

He nods quickly. "Of course! And, if you so wish it, I will reveal to you a secret of my own, Lady Usagi."

"I must dye my hair regularly so that it keeps the black shine of our homeland. Because of white-skinned ancestors whom I've never met, my hair is yellow like the sun. My father disguised it with black dye so that I would fit in and no one could accuse my mother of going to another's bed. However, I cannot dye the hair by myself. Can you help me, Motoki?"

"Of course!" He is exuberant, and quick to offer his aid, and I only nod solemnly with a quiet word of thanks. "Now, for my secret!"

The servant moves outside, to the garden, motioning for me to accompany him. As I follow him to the flower-strewn garden, I feel the grass beneath my feet and am reminded of my childhood. So much has changed since those carefree days...

"Here!" Motoki's enthusiastic call draws me to the side of a lily-spattered pond, and I look down into the clear water. "My friend, Kamekichi! The emperor and the guards would be offended to know that there is a turtle living in their midst, but he remains in his pond and does not harm anyone. I found him one day when we were both lonely, and we've been friends ever since. I only worry... since there are no other turtles around for him to be with."

Peering at the ordinary-looking box turtle, I can see the joy that it gives to Motoki. This man, who was assigned to serve me, has instead become my friend -- and even the friend of a downtrodden, lonely turtle. "He is very beautiful," I say. To Motoki, this is his friend, and I will accept Kamekichi's presence in my garden.

Although Motoki and I weren't meant to be friends, only servant and mistress, I am glad that we have reached this level of secret-keeping. Being in the palace won't be so bad if I have this new friend at my side -- and his friend, a turtle who shouldn't even be in the immaculate palace gardens.

As I look at the form of the turtle, I think that Motoki's acceptance of my secret was a bit too quick, with few questions asked. Perhaps it is only because he is wary of his own secrets being revealed. But wouldn't he then refuse to tell me his, despite my revealing of my confidential information that could get me killed?

Now that I have a friend in the palace that I can count on, maybe I can avoid the intrigues and potential fatalities that always follow women's competition. If only the others could be content with their lover's who bring them gifts instead of striving for the throne...

"Lady Usagi?"

Shaking off my thoughts, I smile at the servant and nod swiftly. "We should make sure that no one can find Kamekichi; he is far too beautiful to be made sport of. And you know how the emperor loves turtle soup, so we should save this little guy."

Motoki gives me an odd look as we head back toward the palace. "How did you know that the emperor enjoys turtle soup?"

"Gossip," I mutter, bringing my hand up so that my sleeve conceals my face. I can't tell Motoki that I was careful to learn small things about the emperor's likes and dislikes through street gossip before I came to the palace. I knew that, by knowing more about him, I would know the few things that I could do to please him.

Motoki nods, and allows me to precede him back into the room. "You should known that a Vietnamese general will be visiting here very shortly. I am certain that you will wish to gain his attentions, as he is to enter into Emperor Mamoru's army."

I look at the servant, and shake my head. "Have I not told you that I do not want a lover? If it is my destiny to serve the emperor, I will accept it. It doesn't matter if the others have taken lovers; I do not care to do such a thing, no matter how appealing this Vietnamese general may be."

In the months to come, I do not realize how foolish those words will be. Although I wish to feel a certain connection to the emperor since he is the first man to possess my body, I will eventually learn that I must turn to a man who will truly care. It cannot be the emperor who cares for me, but this is a story for later.

&&&&

It has been three months since the emperor visited my bed for the first time, and he has only been to see me once since that time. It makes it easier for me to not have to deal with his rutting desires in the death of night, although I wish that we could have been a bit closer. But the emperor only uses me for his own selfish desires; to get an heir.

Adjusting to life in the palace has not been so hard, and I am beginning to wish to thank my father for sending me here. I have gained a new understanding of the way the world works, although perhaps the intrigues of the Imperial palace are not the best to base my view of the world upon. There is no telling how corrupt or pure the streets are outside of these walls.

It is almost a prison within the palace, living under the emperor's whims, but at least I do not want for food or luxury. Is my father so lucky, with the money he earned from selling me? Kenji was never the most thoughtful man, he never planned ahead, but I can only hope that my father has found a sort of peace with his life.

I have heard that the Vietnamese general is now visiting with the emperor, but I have yet to meet him. Motoki seems very adamant that I speak with him, but I have no wish to take a lover. Mamoru is an insensitive lover, but surely that is only because he feels pressured by having to service so many women in hopes of an heir.

"Lady Usagi!"

Motoki's urgent call brings me from my reviere and I look at him as he runs toward me, kneeling as he reaches my side. I am sitting in the garden, Kamekichi not far from me, as I think on my current situation. "What is wrong, Motoki? You seem upset."

The servant shakes his head, grinning at me. "The Vietnamese general; he wishes to meet with you! Will you not give him a chance, Lady Usagi? He has met many other courtesans of the emperor's collection, but as of yet they have not interested him. If you can catch his eye, Lady Usagi..."

Grimacing, I look at the bright-eyed servant. Motoki will not stop badgering me about taking a lover, and I am beginning to think that he is correct. What sort of happiness can I find in this palace, locked up from life and only at the emperor's whims? "I will speak with him," I say slowly. Motoki can expect little more than a polite conversation between myself and this foreign general.

I have gleaned precious few facts from Motoki about this foreigner. He is Thuan Bao, one of the most important generals in the Vietnamese army. He has come to Japan to make an alliance with Emperor Chiba Mamoru, and he will have a short stint in Japan to make sure that everything goes well with international relations. He has spoken often with the emperor, but this is the first time they will attempt such an alliance.

After Motoki alerts the Vietnamese man of my agreement to a talk, the servant kneels at my feet. "You will know Thuan Bao instantly, my lady," he whispers. "All of the courtesans wish to gain his attentions, but he is a very strong man who will not let himself be swayed. Do you have the power to bring his attentions?"

I sigh, shrugging at the words. "I have told you, I have no wish to take a lover. If Thuan Bao is useful for political power, perhaps it will become necessary; the emperor has no interest in me after our first encounter."

Political power has never been a cocern of mine, and truly I could care less if I was on the lowest rung of Japan's political awareness. I do not especially want to ally myself with a military man just to ensure my position, but it seems to be the way of the harem women. If war ever breaks out, a courtesan will not be taken care of by the emperor: he would see to his wife and the safety of the people before the women who service his carnal needs. It is in this instance that a courtesan would require a military lover with much authority.

I do not understand when or how I've come to these conclusions, but I am beginning to understand how it is to be a woman in such a situation. I can only be thankful that my father sold me into the emperor's service, and not into the life of a _geisha_, and especially not the life of a prostitute. Being the emperor's courtesan is one of the best positions a woman can gain, and I am thankful that my selfish father at least gave me into a luxurious life, even if it was mostly because he gains more money for me in this way.

"Lady Usagi, might I have a moment of your time?" It is Rei, the violet-eyed courtesan that I met in the courtyard. I have not seen her since, but I have become acquainted with Minako, a courtesan who thinks herself above all others.

Crafting my mouth into a terse smile, I nod briefly at the woman. "What can I do for you, Lady Rei?" It is unusual that one of the others will visit me, and certainly not to speak politely. It is usually thinly-veiled threats if we run into each other in the hallways.

Bowing low, the woman gazes at me. "I have heard that Thuan Bao enters the palace on this day. I'm sure you have heard of the Vietnamese general's amazing exploits. He has won Emperor Mamoru's trust."

"Do you seek Thuan Bao's attentions for yourself?"

Rei laughs, but I can sense there is no malice behind this, only irony. "I have already chosen a lover. He is not quite as powerful as Thuan Bao, but Jaedite is well enough. He gifts me with beautiful trinkets and he keeps me from the malevolence of the other women." She pauses, smiling at me. "If you become as Thuan Bao's lover, it will greatly benefit you in the future."

"Why are you telling me this?"

The woman shrugs. "As the emperor's courtesans, we have few freedoms. What we do have is determined by how we live our lives. We do not gain trinkets or compliments from Mamoru; he is too busy trying to impregnate us or choose a suitable wife. To take a lover is to accept one of the few freedoms allowed to us. You will be far better off if you do so."

Rei leaves after a few more words of strained politeness, realizing that I will not so easily be convinced to take a lover. Before coming to the palace, I was enamored of the armored samurai that I would see moving past our village. They never stayed for long because their lords most likely did not want to taint themselves by lingering in such a small and worthless village.

But I will always recall the impressive-looking samurai who passed through the fringes of the village. They were so amazing, so ethereal, that I wished that my father could have been one. Why had I been born to a poor farmer instead of a god-like samurai?

I, of course, will never understand just why Fate saw fit to place me in the position that I am in. The life I was born into is one of silent consequence; perhaps I will never understand why things have worked out this way. As the emperor's newest courtesan, I do not possess the rank that others do, but I have the opportunity to climb to a higher position if I act correctly.

According to everyone I have come in contact with at the palace, taking Thuan Bao as my lover is the wisest move. I never considered myself taking a lover for the mere power, the benefits, but somehow that is all changed now. It seems that, if war comes to our country, I will be safer if I am allied with Thuan Bao.

&&&&

Motoki has helped me to dye my hair for the first time since I've come to the palace. It is not as black as my father created it, but we do not have the same materials to work with here. There is lesss of my hair now, because of the emperor's command that I get a new hairstyle; one befitting of my new station. But is a courtesan really any better than a woman who sells her body?

I have allied myself with Thuan Bao, and Motoki seems to be approving of this action. He is an older man, and not so handsome to look at, but he will not leave me lonely the way the emperor does. Although Thuan Bao's duties in the military will take him away from me, I know that he will always return if tragedy does not strike.

He has told me that he will not take another lover; what is better than the emperor's lonely courtesan who is so beautiful? Thuan Bao says that there is no wife in Vietnam, and I truly wish to believe him, but there are lies all around. It is not so bad, if there really is a wife. Thuan Bao is in Japan now, and I am the woman he waits for.

Many gifts I have received from Thuan Bao are useless trinkets, but sometimes there is a tidbit of information whispered in a dark night's calmness. Sometimes, I hear words of war and understand how it is to fight and refuse to be sensitive to the needs of others. I can understand how Thuan Bao must refuse to feel soft emotions as a general in the army, but I am relieved that he is not so harsh with me. I am sure that Thuan Bao realizes that he is only the second man I have lain with; he knows of the emperor's refusal to accept any woman who isn't a virgin. I am so relieved to have found such a good man as a lover. Are the other courtesans so lucky?

Somewhere in the back of my mind, each time I am with Thuan Bao, I think longingly of a better life. What if this man was my husband, instead of one of two lovers that I must cater to? I fantasize of a life as Thuan Bao's wife, where there is only contentment at being a general's wife. I would not have to worry about the cattiness of the harem women, wouldn't have to guard my back or try to claw my way up the ladder of success in such a bottom-feeding world.

It is foolish to entertain these fantasies of being Thuan Bao's wife, but it is part of a woman's psychology to want to have roots in such a way. Even if Thuan Bao and I are never truly committed to each other in the way of a married couple, isn't it enough that I have his generous influence on my side if ever war breaks out? Japan's political stability is in question lately, especially now that the empress will be chosen at a special ceremony in only a few days' time.

I have asked Motoki who he thinks will become empress, and we have gone over each of the courtesans' -- their advantages and disadvantages for most likely being chosen by the emperor. I cannot say that I wish ill on any of them, but whoever wins will have some control over Japan, and it is a terrible thing if a shallow woman gains the throne. She will have to walk behind her husband in all things, but there are ways around that.

I can hear Thuan Bao nearing my rooms, and I ready myself to greet him with a steaming pot of tea and some food. He will surely be tired after a lengthy meeting with the emperor and various counselors, wanting food and, eventually on this night, me. For now, I will satisfy his craving for sustenance as we speak of trivial things.

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_Author's Notes_: Did I make it too rushed, where Usagi chooses Thuan Bao as her lover? I know that I ddn't really show that scene, but it is a trivial one compared to others. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and that it's at least as good as the previous.

Oh, and I'm sorry about the original character, everyone.


	4. Woman of Japan

Author's Notes: I'm going to be adding a few Japanese words to give this more of a flavor. If this annoys anyone, please discontinue reading this story and know that you have been warned.

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The new empress' identity came as a shock to all of us. Many of us expected it to be Mio, who is one of the top-ranking courtesans of Mamoru's harem. Instead, the emperor's choice came as a shock to all of us. We must wonder: was it really Mamoru's choice, or did his advisors choose his wife for him? Ami, who was not even part of the emperor's harem, has been chosen as Mamoru's wife.

Rumor has it that Mizuno Ami was a village doctor's daughter; not even wise to the intrigues of the palace. So why has she been chosen as the empress? I have heard that she is even ignorant of the ways of men and women. If all of these things are true, I do not see how she could be chosen as the emperor's wife.

"Lady Usagi, there is much talk over the emperor's choice. Have you felt resentment towards this woman; this Ami?"

I smile at my lover. Thuan Bao is nice, quiet, and I cannot forget just how useful he is to my future. "If a village doctor's daughter can become empress, it says much for the rest of us. Does it not?"

Curiosity flashes in his eyes before he smiles politely at me. Even after many months of him sharing my bed, Thuan Bao still shows much shyness toward me. "I am glad that you do not feel regret that you haven't gained the position of empress. If my lover were suddenly married to the ruler of all Japan, I could not continue the relationship. It would be too awkward for me, so I am glad that you are not the new empress."

I smile shyly and shake my head. This Vietnamese man is my lover, and although we come from different cultures, we have managed to create a satisfying relationship, even if it is mostly based on sex and political intrigue. I have never thought myself to take such foolish steps in life, although they should not be seen as 'foolish' if they bring me to a beneficial position in life.

"Thuan Bao, please," I say slowly. "I am glad that you have accepted me into your life, especially now that the emperor has chosen a wife. I truly hope that our relationship will continue far into the future. And not8only for political reasons. I do not only want this to be a liaison for mutual benefit. Surely there is a way we can become more than just diplomatic lovers."

He only looks at me, and I can see that there is a hint of remorse in those deep eyes. Eyes that I have gazed into so many times when we were in bed together; that soul deep connection that joins two people, usually out of love. Why haven't I felt the love of a good man, instead of an emperor who only needs children, and a foreign man who searches for a tactful relationship so that he will not be alone in a distant country?

I wonder when I have reached these conclusions, and how Motoki's influence has helped me. Sex for life is not something that I would have considered before coming to the palace, but things have changed. It was first the emperor's cold attitude that showed me that love is not necessarily needed for the carnal act, and it was Thuan Bao's attentions that further helped me to find myself.

Even knowing that there was no love between my mother and father, only a necessary joining, I never quite lost the idea that love had to exist for there to be a good reason for the carnal act. My life now, however, has no place for such frivolities. I cannot forget my place in the hierarchy of the palace.

&&&&

I have had a headache for two days now, and I regret snapping at Thuan Bao when he came to me for companionship. Perhaps it is all of the stress I have been under ever since coming to the palace that has finally fallen onto my shoulders, but I have been feeling as if I were trampled beneath the hooves of a large animal.

The stress has been eating at me, and only now has it made its way to the surface. Motoki has attempted to soothe my savage moods by playing soft songs on a flute that he dug up somewhere, or enticing me to talk to Kamekichi -- an act that he believes can have positive psychological effects. I do not want to disappoint Motoki after he has tried so diligently to make me feel better, but it is not something that he can always help with.

Even Emperor Mamoru has felt the sting of my ire, which leaves me in a precarious position. It is never wise to insult the ruler of all of Japan, especially when I am one of his bejeweled courtesans. The family of Tsukino has turned their backs on me; even before Kenji sold off his only daughter, I was never very close to his relatives. Even if Ikuko tried to give him some culture, it never elevated him in the eyes of his distant relations.

Sometimes I have wondered why my father sold me off; did he truly desire only the money that I would bring? I cannot wish that I still lived in the poor community of my father's land, and I only regret my mother's absence. If she had lived, would my life be different?

&&&&

Thuan Bao has coerced the emperor to grant me leave to visit my family's farm for a few days. The emperor will barely miss me, of course, as he is busy with his new wife and the other courtesans who service him. Lately, the gossip of the palace halls has been who will gift him with a son first. It is not a curiosity that every courtesan is vying for more of Mamoru's attention. Now that he has taken a wife, he is not as attainable as he once was, when no one courtesan had a solid claim to his attentions.

My father's farm is as dismal as I remember it to be, I see this as the carriage nears the outskirts of the tilled dirt. There is a man outside that I do not recognize; he certainly can't be a worker that my father has hired with the money he got from selling me. Instead of dirt-stained clothes, this man is wearing a stylish, spotless outfit of silk.

Stepping from the carriage, with my head held high, I advance toward the rickety home I once shared with my selfish father. Little has changed, and I am momentarily shocked that it appears that life has stopped outside of the palace and Thuan Bao's arms. My foreign lover is a man of stature, and the strange man on my father's land seems to realize this as he straightens and stands at attention as Thuan Bao approaches.

"We look for Kenji; father of Usagi and husband to Ikuko." My lover's thick accent rings clearly through the air as he addresses the sharp-dressed man.

The man frowns, reaching for a pipe from within his pocket and carefully adding tobacco. He is in no rush to answer my lover's words, and after he has lit the pipe and taken a puff, he gestures toward the house with a disdainful look. "Tsukino has moved on."

I lost the bonds of daughterhood long ago, so I feel no remorse that this man I previously called 'father' is no longer in the vicinity. If he has gone to an area far away from Edo, so be it. It will be all the better that we do not meet. And yet I must wonder: who is this stylish man in the high-priced suit that stands on the soil that once was in my family?

Pulling Thuan Bao away from the unkempt land, I smile at him weakly. "If my blood relation has fled from this place, I cannot blame him. I would have gone also if I were not sold off before I could make my own choice."

Our conversation goes swiftly, and by the time it is finished, my foreign lover understands my view on this situation. We will not attempt to find Kenji; if he wants to contact his daughter, he knows where I will be. I wander the land around the run-down house, with the strange man watching my every move.

It would be odd to see a _geisha_ poking around the soil of a neglected farm, odder still to see one of the emperor's courtesans lowering herself to such a position. I am reminded of this by Thuan Bao's urgent whisper as he remains at my side. "You will be ridiculed if anyone hears of this, Usagi. What courtesan would wish to go back to her old life after gaining so much at the emperor's feet?"

Unfortunately, I know that Thuan Bao's words are correct. He has always been a steady force in my life since we've come together; a soft-spoken man who cares for me. Even if the other courtesans turned from Thuan Bao because he wasn't as slim and handsome as the other powerful men who vied for the attention of the courtesans. Perhaps even these slim handsome men are the ones who strike their lovers in anger, whereas the man I have chosen fears even the bite of a dog.

Never will I understand how Thuan Bao became a military man, but I am satisfied with his personality. If he were a man quick to anger, without regret for his harsh words and ways of violence, I would not be happy with the way my life has gone. But since he is not so handsome, perhaps he is less sure of himself, nicer than he could be otherwise, and will not strike a woman in anger.

"Thuan Bao, take me back to the palace." I make my decision quickly, with little time for second guessing. There is nothing left for me here, at my father's home. It would have been foolish to return, even if he did still reside here. Nothing was left from the moment I was cast aside for coins; I became but a distant memory to the Tsukino bloodline.

&&&&

Staying in a small inn within my village, I feel myself slowly slipping back into the timeframe of living in such a small-minded place. Thuan Bao, although from an equally small village in Vietnam, cannot understand my feelings. He misses his home land, I understand, but I will be sorely disappointed if this seemingly-perfect man attempts to take me into his way of thinking about one's hometown.

The paper-thin walls of the hotel grant no privacy, especially not in the dead of night. Although I lived in this village all my life, I only now realize that this inn caters to the married men who wish to have secret meetings with women they should not associate with. Sometimes I wonder if Kenji ever betrayed Ikuko in such a way, but it is not my place to worry about their marital situation.

Sometimes I think that there is a mystery in this village. Serenity, the matriach of the village, knows of the secret night lives of the husbands, but somehow she can never stop the events. "Never be ashamed of being _oiran_." My father's last words float to my ears as I lay next to my sleeping lover. How can I not be ashamed of being a palace courtesan? It is shameful to the woman, but an honor to her family.

Being _oiran_ is not what brings these soiled women to the rented rooms of the married village men. It is the zest for the sensations that sex brings; that is why they sell their very souls for a night with a man who is attached elsewhere. Becoming _oiran_ is for a very different reason; there is none of the shame that is associated with being merely a prostitute.

Before I returned to my village, I never considered just how lucky I am that my father sold me to the highest position a woman can attain. If I am ever blessed with a child, I will caution it to never treat a woman as unequal. And if I have a daughter, she will never have to let men use her body. Perhaps someday, women will not be treated as such.

Looking at the stained ceiling, I recall the tales brought from the _gaijin_ sailors who speak of the red-skinned people in their new world. The _hoshigata_, the pentagram, is a symbol of the dark magic witches who work their powers for their own evil ways. I have always heard that the matriach of our village is _majo_, a witch. Her spells are used for the good of the villagers, and some unmarried women will visit her, bringing tribute and asking for a healthy match.

Always, I have heard, the women who go to her marry the best available man in the village. If I visit Serenity, is it possible that I could attain a child? As _oiran_, a courtesan to the emperor, I must carry to term a male heir if I am to be of any use to Mamoru. Can Serenity help me with this?

My thoughts are content for now, and as I lay in the darkness listening to my lover's even breathing, I am pleased with my life.

&&&&

The scent of herbs is thick in the air as I sit on a mat in front of Serenity. The silver-haired woman's age is unknown, but her silvery eyes see everything. I notice the sign of the pentagram on a book lying on the nearby table. "Why do you carry the sign of the _hoshigata_?" I ask. "The white-skinned _gaijin_ believe it is bad luck."

"The sign of a witch, they say," she says softly. "I know much of the fears of the white-skinned foreigners, and I must laugh. How can this old woman be a bad-magic witch when I only do my best to help the people of my village? Foolish _gaijin_!"

I smile at her nervously, careful not to fidget overmuch. "I have heard that you can help a woman find her husband, grandmother." I use the term 'grandmother' out of respect for her age.

The old woman cackles with laughter. "You have no need of a husband, girl! You are the emperor's _oiran_; a highly prized position. What use would you have for a husband? Take the lover you have chosen, and enjoy the attention of the most powerful man in all of Japan."

"One _oiran_ out of many!" I cry in desperation. "What good does that do me, _obaasama_? If I do not have a male child before the others, I will lose even that place of honor. Can you not help me to conceieve a male child? The _hoshigata_ speaks of your power; the villagers know of your greatness! Can Serenity not create a spell for my benefit?"

The woman turns her head toward the open window. "Can you hear the chirping of the birds, feel the sunlight on your face? Treasure these moments, child, for sometimes it is all we have. There is no use in dreaming of what we cannot achieve."

I stare at her, feeling a great depression begin to weigh on my shoulders. "You will not help me."

"You are the child of Kenji, born of Ikuko. What help do you need from this old woman? I knew you since your childhood, when the golden hair atop your head began to sprout and Kenji sought my advice for this problem."

The scent of herbs overpowers me momentarily, and I feel a confusing spell of diziness before I pull myself back together. "You know of the hint of a _gaijin_ in my family's past, _obaasama_? I though it was a secret from everyone!"

"The foreign devil was not brought by your mother, nor your father. It is a curse spanning generations. With the Tsukino blood in you, there is much you must content yourself with. So why seek me out to help you bear the emperor a male child? If you cannot do it alone, how can one old woman who is nearly blind help you?"

"You speak of yourself so harshly, _obaasama_! I have always heard that Serenity is the best person in the village. Will you let this truth become a lie?"

The old woman sits motionless for a few moments, then shakes her head. "I know of a way to ensure a male child, but I cannot say whether it will be the emperor's child, or that of another."

"I have a lover, yes," I say slowly. "But all courtesans of the palace do so! Will this affect the spell you perform?"

"No; the ritual is very complex and involves another man."

I frown, not understanding the reason for this. "Who?"

Serenity looks at me as she says very seriously: "The man with the biggest penis in this village."

After that revelation, I say no more and leave her home. The old woman will contact me through letter at the palace if she needs anything further. My time in this village is up; Thuan Bao must return to his military duties at the palace, and on the battlefield.

&&&&

There is an area not far from my village which is called Ametsuchi Geeto-no. There is a primitive stone structure, created by the ancestors of a nomadic group that has seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. They are large stone monoliths, with characters scratched into the surface from a dialect that is forgotten by the people of my village.

Ametsuchi Geeto-no is a place of sacredness, of spiritual powers that few people can believe in. I have heard that Serenity and others like her once gained their powers by praying and doing special rites on the blessed land of Ametsuchi Geeto-no. I have been there only once, when my mother pointed out the special runes that were part of the elder's power.

It is forbidden for children to play near Ametsuchi Geeto-no, and I have heard tales that once the village performed a primitive rite during which the _miko_, priestess, would marry an influential man of the village after a human sacrifice had been performed. I have never found any truth to these rituals, although I can remember in my childhood hearing odd calls in the forest near my home at night.

Now back in the palace, seeing the emperor's obvious contentment with his wife, I feel oddly out of place here. The village was never welcoming, especially not in my father's household, but somehow knowing that Mamoru can visit my bed as he wishes, while having a wife, leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling. I feel rootless, as if there is no place that I belong.

Do I even belong in Thuan Bao's arms? Some would say not; others would say I should take a bit of happiness as it presents itself. Finally back at the palace, Motoki is urgent to help me to dye my hair back to its blackest. "Lady Usagi, you must cover the _gaijin_ roots before the empress comes to speak with you!" he says frantically.

I frown at the servant. "Empress Ami comes to talk?"

"Yes; she counsels with all of the emperor's courtesans. I have found the objects with which we will dye away the golden strands of hair."

As we set to our task, I think of the new empress. She will have a hard time dealing with her mother in-law; Lady Utsu isn't a woman to tangle with. I will try not to be too disagreeable when it comes to the emperor's wife, and perhaps we can even be friends. I will have to remember to speak to Rei about the impression she got of the empress.

&&&&

Author's Notes: Did I totally lose the idea of Sailor Moon, and lose my train of thought and go off into a whole different direction? Argh! I always do that. Well, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, and I hope that I've made it interesting enough. Hopefully the next chapter will be better, if this one isn't very well-received. But, as always, if you don't like my story, don't read it. grins


	5. Loving Doubt

Notes: The Japanese death poem included in this chapter was not written by me. It is credited to Ota Doken, a military scholar, who penned this poem just after being stabbed in his bathtub.

I'd like to make a point of stating a 'thank you' to those who have taken the time out to send me information on different aspects of ancient Japanese culture. However, I stated in the first chapter that this wasn't going to be a story that is true to any part of history. I know that the character's of 'Sailor Moon' are very much out of character… Call it artistic license, I suppose.

Now, enjoy the story!

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_**Loving Doubt**_

I can see clearly that the emperor dotes on his new wife. Perhaps it wasn't a love match, but Ami's intelligence and beauty has captured the emperor's attentions. Six months of waiting after the marriage ceremony, I am finally visited by Mamoru in the dark of night, with no advance warning. The emperor's heart is even colder than I remember; as if he does this joining only out of necessity.

Before the empress' arrival, I had begun to feel that perhaps I meant a little more to the emperor than just a warm body. But now, I can see that this is not true. Perhaps it was only my heart starved for real affection, that I believed something more to be taking place between us than the sweaty joining of two mature bodies.

Thuan Bao's awareness of me is slowly turning into something more than just a man's sexual longing. Is he starting to fall in love with me; to need me in places other than the night? I am still childish within my heart, longing for love and companionship; things that I cannot find while locked within the confines of the emperor's harem.

My mind is stretched to the limit; I do not understand anymore what I long for. I wish to have the emperor's male heir first, before any of the others, so that I might have some sort of claim to him that even Ami cannot deny. And yet, I also want to find love -- but is the love of Thuan Bao what I am searching for?

I enjoy the Vietnamese man's presence, as he takes away much of the loneliness, but I wonder sometimes if I can fall in love with him. I am not a woman who takes things like love lightly, but I am afraid of the future. Isn't having a secure tomorrow important?

Sitting in the palace courtyard, I can see the empress walking with Lady Utsu, her servants not far behind. Ami looks so graceful, so beautiful and perfect for the title of empress. I speculate if she ever realized the power she had over men before catching Mamoru's eye. As a small-town doctor's child, surely she never considered herself worth anything.

Ami should consider herself lucky that she rose instantly from being a village girl to being the empress of all Japan. She didn't even have to become oiran, like so many others before her! I remember more hazily now about Narue, the concubine who became Mao's favorite. Even she never ascended to the position of empress, although Lady Utsu's iron temper might have had much influence there.

The empress seems to be so carefree as she speaks with her mother in-law, looking at the gray sky. Surely the empress knows that her husband is once again visiting the beds of his courtesans. Does this bother her in the least? If Serenity's spell is working, it should have been set in motion last night, during my long-awaited activity with the emperor.

From behind me, I hear a greeting in Vietnamese and turn my head slightly, smiling at my lover. It has been four months since I have seen Thuan Bao, and although he is dusty and smells of sweat from the long war campaign, I embrace him, mindless of the stains that appear on my fresh and expensive kimono.

"It has been far too long since I have felt this beautiful rabbit in my arms," Thuan Bao said softly as I raise my lips for a kiss. "What has happened since I've been gone, precious one?"

There is so much to tell him, and I am contented by the knowledge that he will not grow angry from any of the things I reveal to him. I have not been able to tell my lover what I have asked of my village's majo, but I have told him of Ametsuchi Geeto-no, the place of power just outside my village. Sometimes, I think that Thuan Bao laughs at the idea of Serenity's magic; but for those of the village, we believe.

&&&&

There has been a death in the palace. Edo's history has never been so grim as it is on this night. Even I hide in my room, clutching to Thuan Bao's hand, listening to the hurried footsteps and grim shouts. I do not want to face what is outside of these doors; the pain and suffering that the figure is going through.

Whispers filter through the doorway; Motoki brings us the news of what is happening. Aino Minako, one of the emperor's more favored concubines, is dead. The morning's light dawns gray on the throne room as many of the concubines gather to listen to the emperor's words.

"Aino Minako was one of the best women I've known," Mamoru says. His wife says nothing, carefully hiding her face. Can a wife remain silent as her husband speaks of one of his many lovers with such tenderness? She must, if she wishes to keep her position as empress. "Found near her body was _jisei_, a Japanese death poem. Kunzite," he addresses one of the men standing nearby. "Please read the poem from Minako's room."

The man nods, clearing his throat before he begins to recite the words. "Had I not known that I was dead already, I would have mourned my loss of life."

They are wise words; I must remember these if ever I am faced with death. Such a short life as Minako had, I mourn for her even if we were not friends. We never spoke, but I heard of events in her life thanks to Rei, who was our mutual friend. The ceremony has just ended, and Minako's _jisei_ is still on the minds of many. But there are others, the selfish concubines, who will stop at nothing to gain the spot that Minako has now left empty. If ever I grow so self-seeking, I hope that someone will jar some sense into my empty head.

Is it not wise to care for yourself, after such a harsh death? Weeks now after Minako's death, I see that Mamoru has closed himself within his chambers. He will not let his wife near him; not even his mother can speak with him. So why does he call to his bed the concubines who hunger for his attentions? Is it the knowing of physical fulfillment to bring life back to his body?

Never did I suspect that one of the emperor's concubines would be slain. Rumors have been circulating that one of the soldiers attempted to buy Minako's charms, and she refused a night in his bed. After the rejection by one of the most beautiful women in the palace harem, the man grew angered and killed her with his sword. As the blood flowed from her, Minako took the time to write the death poem without calling for aid.

I cannot imagine the woman's thoughts in those last few moments of life. Did she want revenge on the man who took her life? Everyone had said that surely Minako would be the emperor's second wife! And now, all of the opportunity has been taken from her in a single night.

Although it has been week's since the woman's death, I cannot erase it from my mind. The safety I have felt living in Edo's palace has slowly been chipped away at; I can no longer feel as if I will be protected as the demure and helpless woman that society wishes me to be. Rumors surround one of the palace cooks; Kino Makoto is said to be a girl who fights for herself. I sometimes wish lately that I could be so lucky; but there is no place in a concubine's life for fighting or ways of protection.

Today, Thuan Bao has left Edo for the far reaches of his homeland. The foreign soil he will step upon will be as familiar to him as my home village is to me. But there, the similarities will end. Vietnam is as far from Japan in society and culture as any other place could be. My lover has told me stories of his land, and I wish only that he did not have to leave me to aid his own army. A war is breaking out on the foreign soil he hails from, and I am afraid for him. What if he is killed, and I am left at the mercy of the Japanese soldiers?

The emperor would never protect me; he has much more to worry about in the form of his wife. Sometimes, I worry that Thuan Bao will never come back from his homeland. He has told me that the idea of my unfaithfulness breaks his heart. What good do these words do me now? I have been sold into the emperor's service even before my lover knew of my existence. If Thuan Bao falls in love with me, it will be a sad day for all concerned, because I doubt that I can ever return these feelings.

Before he left, Thuan Bao gifted me with a small jade dragon statuette; I suppose it is supposed to give me good memories of our time together. I wouldn't wonder that my lover is trying to coerce me to remember him during his absence; it is a long-used practice among couples when the man has to leave for various reasons. Most often, these reasons are war; more likely than not, the man never returns and the woman is left with only her memories and her rioting emotions.

I pray nightly that Thuan Bao won't be killed, and that he will someday soon return to Japan. It isn't that I am in love for him, but I do care for the man deeply. He has made me see things about myself that I would have never suspected previously. If he dies in battle, what will be left?

I do not want to rely on my life here in Edo; it is unwise to think myself so beautiful that I can keep the emperor interested in me. For now, my life is comfortable, but there is no one to say that it will stay this way. If I suddenly find myself without a place here in the palace, in Edo's shining jewel, I will look into becoming a _geisha_. Surely, entertaining people without having to perform sexually would be better than what I have now, even if I won't have the place in society that I do now.

I cannot fool myself; I know that being a _geisha_ comes with certain restrictions. Certainly, I could sell my body for extra money if the owner of the geisha house does not realize it; many of the women do so. But that is far in the future; possibly even Thuan Bao will give me security if ever Edo's palace closes its doors to me. He has said that he will take no other wife, and I believe his words. But it is unlikely that he would ever consider me as a wife; there are far better options for him.

Why take a woman who has been the emperor's concubine? Although Mamoru rules over all of Japan, he cannot make Thuan Bao follow his commands unless it has to do with military service. My lover comes from foreign seas; he does follow the Japanese emperor's commands. If he wants to take me from the emperor's service, and to the soil of Vietnam where I will have a different life, Mamoru will hopefully let me go without a confrontation.

I have never before heard of any man, emperor or not, who would let his concubines -- any of his women -- go to another man without a fight. But why must there be a violent confrontation, when Mamoru has many other concubines to service his needs? I would like to be content in knowing that it would be easy to leave from the emperor's service, but life isn't so fair.

The money my father earned from selling me must be very cold comfort indeed, and I can only hope that he never finds the joy he searched for by using that money. What is the sum of a daughter?

Rei and I have taken to having weekly discussions about everything and nothing, and we've shortly become close friends. We speak of our encounters with the emperor, which are in short supply. Mamoru is so busy with matters of state, and his new wife, that he mostly neglects his concubines. I have lost any hopes of being a woman like Narue, not that I would wish for it these days.

I merely desire to be free, which isn't such a bad thing. I try to speak of this to Rei, but she only scoffs at me. "Why give up what we've found here? It's a good living; don't be wanting out now that you've got a life most girls would kill for," she always says. "With your looks, maybe you could even be the emperor's second wife! So what if he doesn't pay much attention to you? He was in Minako's bed almost every night, even after Ami, and look where that's gotten her!"

Aino Minako will rise in the history books as a concubine to rival Narue's sway over an emperor; even more so famously because she died and left Mamoru grieving. Even Ami's presence cannot draw Mamoru from his gloomy moods, and for that I am slightly grateful. I wonder sometimes if it is wrong of me, to gloat over another's unsuccessfulness, but I am pleased that the empress is not so much better than I.

Even Rei speaks of the joy she feels when Mamoru publicly snubs the empress. In the palace hallways, there is cold silence between the emperor and his wife, and even in public, there is sometimes that bitter stillness existing between the two. Not a love match, certainly, but if they had wanted, they could have attempted some form of decorum in public.

I have never told Rei, or any other -- not even Motoki! -- that sometimes the emperor will speak to me of his concerns. Why he has singled me out for these private chats, I will never understand, but he speaks to me of his sadness in his marriage. In his life. His deep unsatisfaction with himself, as a person and a ruler. If the people of Japan knew of their leader's self doubt, it would turn into a riot.

Praying has become a ritual for me: for myself, for my friends, for all of Japan. What will be left for us if the emperor breaks down? Mamoru's solid presence keeps so many people in hope, and if he loses face publicly, it could mean the end of our island nation.

&&&&

Sometimes, I wonder about the identity of my grandmother. My mother's mother must surely have been a beautiful woman, because my mother was exquisite. Father used to tell me that if ever the sun stopped rising, Ikuko's radiance could have lit the whole world. I never met either of my parents families, because the marriage was not desired by any of them, but I often thought about them.

Who they might be; what they might be doing. Did they think of me? When I asked my mother, she would only say that her mother's reluctance to agree to the marriage was because Kenji's bloodline wasn't as impeccable as theirs. She couldn't understand her daughter's desire to marry a poor dirt farmer.

If only I could speak to my grandmother, I would say, _Obaasama_, Grandmother, why did you cast aside my mother? Her sin was not in wanting to marry a man you didn't care for; the sin was that her family turned her back on her because she wanted love.

But I will never know the families of my parents; my past. I have only a few stories from my mother's lips and my father's negative remembrances to tie them into my life. Sometimes the scent of sweat and dirt fills my nasal passages, even when I am in a perfume-scented room at the palace. Smells that remind me of the old farm I grew up on; as if I'm not supposed to forget it, despite the fact that I was sold away from that security.

I like to think that my mother's spirit reaches out to me sometimes, during the day when I am going through the motions of daily life, or nights when I am curled on the futon. Sometimes, when Thuan Bao sleeps next to me, it is awkward to sense my mother in the same room. But I've grown used to it, and I am glad to know that she is still nearby in some small way.

Perhaps it is only to keep me from loneliness and going crazy, like some people can do if they are separated from happiness for a long while, but I treasure the small memories of my home.

Sitting in the garden, I look at the clear waters of the pond, where Kamekichi sits upon a rock. The turtle still remains Motoki's dearest friend, and I am ashamed to admit that the servant and I haven't talked recently. Thuan Bao has been gone for two months now, and in his absence, I haven't found the strength to have a friendly conversation with Motoki; it is only the necessary chatter as he prepares me for my days.

There is an obvious crack on Kamekichi's shell that wasn't there before. Did he get in a bit of trouble with a gardener who finally found the outlaw turtle? Possibly Motoki found a way to bribe the gardener before he killed the turtle; giving him enough to keep his mouth shut about the creature that wasn't supposed to be in the garden. I must truly try to speak to Motoki soon; our friendship has been neglected long enough because of my selfishness.

I try to write poetry, sitting in the sunlight, but it is nearly impossible. I cannot seem to concentrate, and whatever words I brush onto the rice paper are poor. They cannot convey my feelings adequately, and that is my own failing. I was never meant to write poetry; that is the pastime of the boring concubines who are so empty-headed that they cannot see past the next time their lover or Mamoru visits them.

The heat of the sun beats down on my back, warming my kimono. If I were wearing makeup, it would be running; but today my face is not adorned by false beauty enhancers. I do not wish to hide my true features when the only one to see me will be the shell-cracked turtle. Looking at my reflection in the pond, I realize that I must speak to Motoki about dying my hair again.

It would be foolish to let it grow out to the normal golden color; that would get me kicked from the palace for "unwanted" foreign roots. I still puzzle sometimes over the emperor's parentage; how did the bastard child of a foreigner gain the throne? Out of respect and fear, no one has ever questioned Mamoru or Utsu, and that is the way it should be. The people of Japan are safe with him.

Mamoru might not know of his true father, but it is enough that Mao took him in and raised him as his own. There is no question in Mamoru's eyes that he is the child of any other, despite his eye color. It was Mao who raised him, (or, rather, the servants) and it is Mao who is his father.

"Lady Usagi."

It is the very object of my thoughts; the emperor himself strolling through the garden toward me, a relieved look on his face. "Honorable Emperor," I say as I quickly slide from the bench I perched on, knocking my forehead against the ground in a quick bow, on my knees. I stay in such a position until he tells me to rise.

"I must speak to you about my wife." His voice is thick with emotion, and he settles himself on the bench I have only recently vacated as I remain kneeling by his feet. "Ami has been… restless lately," he says slowly. "I cannot seem to get her to speak to me, and she lies stiffly beneath me during our lovemaking. Have I done something wrong?"

Our very first conversation started like this: the emperor had visited me for a brief pleasure during the night, but he did not leave right away. Instead, he spoke haltingly of a problem in his life, saying that he felt he could trust me. Later, I began to think that it was a test, instead. There was no real problem at that time, only a fabricated dilemma so that he could find out if he could trust me with his _real_ problems. I assume he does this with all of his concubines, and perhaps I was the only one who could give him advice he could truly use.

I think over this new difficulty slowly. If I am honest with Mamoru, and tell him that it could be his preoccupation with the now-dead Minako that turns his wife away, I may raise his ire. If I lie, and tell another reason that may not be the truth, I might lose the trust we've built up.

"If I do not offend you by saying so," I begin hesitantly, "perhaps it is your thoughts of Minako that cause the honored empress to tire of your company."

A frown crosses the young man's face. "Minako? But she's dead! Why would a dead woman matter to my wife?"

"Because she has not yet left your thoughts, I think." I smile warily, not sure of my reception after these words.

After long moments, he says, "It is necessary to keep the peace in the royal marriage so that I do not disappoint my mother, or the people of Japan. Thank you for your words, Lady Usagi. I will think on them, and possibly even act upon them, if it is wise. So far, you have not let me down with your advice. I only hope that I can expect more of the same with coming dilemmas."

As the emperor walks away, I stare at his retreating back. Is this to be our relationship, then? Maybe someday, I'll be on his thoughts more often that just when there is a problem.

&&&&

Author's Notes: I hope this chapter is okay. I've been reading "One Hundred and One Ways," a beautiful book by Mako Yoshikawa, which is somewhat inspiring me for this story.


	6. Love and Duty

Author's Notes: I would like to say that this is only a work of fiction. None of these views containined within this story are any way the author's own.

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"_**Love and Duty"**_

Like the rushing mountain stream across the washed-smooth pebbles of the river bottom, my heart has been washed clean of its' former identity. I am no longer the rough-edged piece of stone I once was; now I am a completely different person who has been given a new chance. Serenity's spell has not yet worked, but I cannot worry about that now.

My lover has been gone for a year now, and Mamoru's meetings with me are more often. Rei is slightly jealous, but we have agreed that it is necessary that he turn his attention away from his wife, no matter who gains it. I am lonely in Thuan Bao's absence, but I can be glad that there has been no news of his death. Surely he is well in his homeland, and although I have heard that the war still wages, my lover will be safe at his home.

I can't believe, from Thuan Bao's stories, that the small village he hails from can possibly be involved in the war. Sitting in my chambers, I hear the footsteps approaching. Motoki steps through the doorway, smiling tentatively at me. "The empress seeks an audience, my lady."

Never before has Empress Ami sought me out; surely it must be something important for her to enter my domain. She is a woman who does not care for the companionship of the harem, and that is to be expected. She was never part of it herself, and easily rose to position of empress without any effort. I admire her for that, but I am also jealous.

She steps into my lavishly-decorated room, but despite the beautiful and expensive trappings around me, this shy-looking woman outshines them all. It is not the beautiful kimono with the exquisite phoenix design, nor the expertly done hairstyle piled upon her hair. Beyond all of the outside beauty, she shines on the inside in a way that I have only heard in whispers.

"Lady Usagi," she says slowly, her dark eyes meeting mine. "So, you are the one my husband speaks to when even my words cannot open his heart."

My heart skips a beat at her words. It is not possible that I get more of the emperor's attention than his wife; in truth, now I do not even want it. Thuan Bao's caring is more than enough for me; I have no reason to crave the emperor's, as well. Bowing my head, I knock my forehead against the floor in a sign of respect. The last thing I want to do is upset the empress, who holds Mamoru's ear.

"Empress, I merely try to help your husband when his mind is heavy with matters that he cannot always solve easily. Is it such a forbidden thing, to wish to give him a bit of peace?"

An emotion I cannot define flashes in the woman's eyes. "It is unpleasant to know that I am not the one that my husband needs. His nights are never spent by my side; always, there is the phantom of another standing in between us." She pauses, then pierces me with a dark look. Her words are soft, as they always have been, but there is an undertone of pain and resentment. "How have you stolen my husband's heart from me?"

I do not know how to reply to this woman's question. It is hard to remember that the goddess-like empress is really only another human; like the rest of us. She has feelings, hurts; even the worries of the night can disturb her sleep.

"Is there love between yourself and the emperor?"

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I regret them. I have no place to speak of the woman's relationship with her husband; just as she has little desire to speak of my association with him.

The empress only looks at me coldly, before her lips form the words carefully. "Love is a useless emotion. Where does it get you? If I were to follow love, I would have married Urawa; a fisherman's son from my village. It would have been a marriage of love, but there would be little else."

"So you desire the material things, the power, that marrying the emperor has brought you. Doesn't happiness matter?"

Her last words before she leaves the room are even colder: "You are a fool to believe in love, Usagi. It will only destroy you."

Perhaps she is right, I reflect years after; love never brought me any happiness, for it was always just out of my reach, or I realized it too late.

&&&&

It is useless to hide one's true self. I realize this as I sit behind the privacy of a shoji screen, peering at my reflection. The blonde roots begin to peek through once again, and I must make the decision to hide them as I always have, or let my true self shine through and risk possible banishment from the palace. The streets of Edo are a harsh territory, especially for a rejected concubine.

Even the emperor denies his foreign roots. His light-colored eyes are never a topic of dicussion; it is as if it doesn't even exist. The courts are truly fearful of anyone with obvious foreign connections; they hate spit upon the people who appear more _gaijin_ in appearance than Japanese. The people persecute swiftly those who hold within them the blood of the pale-skinned devils from foreign soils. Even those of other dark-skinned races are looked upon as inferior; if it is not wholly Japanese blood, you are less than perfect and must be punished.

Only Mamoru escapes this law, and that is because he is Utsu's son; she would never allow the heir to the throne to be ridiculed or harmed for his foreign appearance. The roots of our ancestors should not have any affect on our lives today; we did not choose what family to be born into.

And yet, although I do not wish to hide who I truly am anymore, I know that the streets of Edo are far harsher to a woman such as myself. Again, I will dye away the golden strands of my heritage, so that no one will guess my hated secret. It is the same secret that the emperor carries, but we cannot share this truth; I would be the one to suffer.

Sometime in the future, when my life nears its' twilight, I'm sure that I will look back on this moment of indecision and berate myself. But for now, there is no other course of action if I want to remain alive. Not even Motoki knows of the battles I fight deep inside myself, and it has been too long since my last look of my lover's beloved face for Thuan Bao's presence to have any influence on my life.

It has been a year since my lover's return to his homeland, and there is little effect of this on my own life. I do not love Thuan Bao, and I do not particularly enjoy his lovemaking. If there is one thing that I crave from him, it is the way that he holds me in the night after he has spilled his hot seed within my womb.

I do not crave children, not from either of my lovers, even though Serenity's spell is ineffectual so far. There must be a way to send the old woman a message, so that she knows how displeased I am with her efforts. This is a competition among the women of the harem, to give Mamoru his first male child. Ami does not have to worry about her potential barrenness, because she is already the empress, without following any of the normal ranks.

As before, her words of her love for a fisherman's son come back to me. Did she give up love and happiness just for the power she could gain from a cold and loveless marriage? But perhaps being empress gives Ami happiness, instead of the love she left behind.

What was his name? -- Urawa. Perhaps he longs for her, back in the sleepy coastal village she was spawned from. I do not understand love, but I do know that if you are lucky enough to find it, you should hold on to it if you truly desire the man.

&&&&

I have been sick now for two days; I have been felled by the stomach upsets that have plagued many this time of year. Rei speculates that it is a pregnancy, but I have my doubts. None of the other concubines have gotten pregnant, ever since Mamoru first started to visit the beds of women, and gossip has arisen that, just perhaps, the Son of Heaven is sterile.

If he cannot have children, cannot produce an heir, it will send the country into turmoil. If Mamoru's legacy cannot continue, what will become of Japan's people, who depend so heavily on him?

But so far, there is no proof that the emperor's childlessness can show that will never bear an heir. If worse comes to worse, I'm sure that he'll make his wife take a lover and become with child, if only to claim that the babe is his own to save face.

Languishing on my futon, careful not to jostle my stomach overmuch, I feebly push away the stinking chamber pot that smells of the stomach fluids I've lost through my mouth, burning my tongue and causing me to gargle gallons of water a day.

Rei has kept away from my chambers lately, and only Motoki has been my companion. The servant, my friend, takes good care of me while the emperor especially shies away from me. Of course, Mamoru would not wish to contract the sickness, so he will stay away from me, but if it is a child signaling its' presence in my womb, he will be anxious to find if it is to be his first male heir.

Footsteps are coming toward the doorway, and I look up, with effort. It annoys me to no end that I am so weak; this sickness is truly taking its' toll on my health. Luckily, it is only Motoki, who enters on silent feet.

"Lady Usagi, you have a visitor." He pauses, looking at my pale face with concern.

I frown, and lever myself up on my forearms. "Who is it?" I can think of no one who would visit me, for Rei is off on a shopping trip through one of Edo's more respectable and profitable thoroughfares, and I have no other friends in the palace.

Motoki remains on his knees, keeping his eyes downcast. "She is old; a grandmother from a small village. She calls herself Serenity."

A gasp works its' way from my mouth at the eunuch's words. Serenity, come all this way to Edo, merely to speak with me? "Send her in," I stutter, carefully arranging myself on the pillows so that I do not seem so weak. As an afterthought, I call to Motoki that perhaps, the old woman would feel more comfortable not coming face to face with me, as I am sick.

"I am an old woman; I do not fear sickness," Serenity says as she hobbles her way into the room. "We must talk, daughter of Kenji. The magic you've requested of me is not so easily done."

I frown at her words; shaking my head. "But-- what about the promise you made to me? You're the most powerful _majo_ in the village; surely you can do something! What halts you from fulfilling my request, Grandmother?"

Serenity's eyes fill with fear. I do not know if it is because she is so unused to her surroundings, or because she is frightened that I will make the emperor have her killed because she failed to answer my request. "Child, please understand what I am telling you. Creating a child in an untested womb is not the easiest thing. Even the power of Ametsuchi Geeto-no is not enough!"

I smirk at her, for despite my sickness and the disappointment I am feeling, I still remember her parting remark. "And the man with the biggest penis in the village; is his power not enough?"

She frowns at me. "Even the life power of one such as he could not perform such a miracle. I am sorry, child, but if there is to be a baby, it will be without the magic of one such as myself."

I look at her, and during those few moments when depression weighs heavily on her shoulders for having failed her, I come to a realization. "Do not fret, old grandmother. It was a mistake to come to you, perhaps. If I am not to have a child, then it is for the best. Maybe, if I had the emperor's child, it would only have made me miserable. I would be tied to him forever, then, instead of someday finding my freedom in another man's arms."

Serenity eyes me curiously. "But aren't you stuck in the emperor's harem until death? Even if you find someone else, he'll only see you as a plaything! Is that the sort of life you wait for?"

Laughter bubbles from my throat. It is a silly situation that we've gotten ourselves into, and I treasure Serenity for her honesty. Another woman, maybe trying to make money off my desperation, would have said that the magic would take a bit longer; a bit of money and luxuries to pull off. But this woman, this Serenity, she does not lie and scheme to gain what she can from part of the emperor's harem.

"Old woman, you have traveled far. I will have Motoki, my fri-- eunuch, find a room for you. We will speak to Emperor Mamoru, and all will be well."

Almost, I slipped and called Motoki my friend in front of someone else. Only Motoki and I know of our close relationship, and although I feel I can trust Serenity, this secret can be told to no one. It is a sin to be friends with an eunuch who is only meant to obey and serve; at least that's what the guards are fond of making us believe.

"No, please," Serenity said in a quavering voice, for once sounding like the old woman that she is. "I-I don't want the emperor to know that I've come. I am an old woman from an uncivilized village; I would insult him and the empress so easily."

A soft smile for Serenity is on my lips. I, too, was fearful when I first came to the palace. It was only Motoki's forbidden friendship that brought me the self-confidence that I slowly found within these walls.

"Serenity, please. Won't you consider staying in the palace, at least for tonight? It will be safe here; you're welcome as my friend."

The woman shakes her head. "I have never ventured to Edo before, nowhere out of my village, and now that I am old, I can see many of the Japanese people's progressions. Would you have me miss out on this opportunity before I die?"

I frown. "You must not stay out in the streets of Edo after dark, Grandmother. I cannot go with you…" Even as I speak, I can feel the sickness roiling in my stomach once again. I gained only a brief respite during my unexpected visit from Serenity. "It is dangerous in Edo, especially after the sun goes down," I say again, in a last ditch effort to make the woman understand my words. "If nothing else, allow me to send guards with you for protection."

To this, she finally agrees, and I must be content with the defense of a few of the palace's best guards. They won't feel that protecting an old woman is very necessary, but I hope that Serenity will be safe. If only my sickness were not holding me back, I would accompany the old woman and show her the sights of Edo.

As Serenity leaves, I watch her retreating back as Motoki escorts her from my chambers. I had never expected the powerful _majo_ to come to Edo merely to tell me of her failures. Or, is she truly so powerful if she couldn't grant my simple request? Perhaps it was not meant to happen, and that is why her magic could not give me a child.

I had once thought to be crippled by the pain of knowing that I will not have the emperor's child, but now I see the benefits of this situation. Even if I did have a child, it would be taken from me and reared by nurses and tutors who would teach him to be a ruler and scholar, like the emperor himself. It would not be the way I would like to be a mother.

&&&&

The ink-stained pages lying on the desk remind me of the blood-spattered kitchen walls one day after my father made me kill a chicken, saying that it would strengthen my spirit. I never understood the reasons behind it, and feeling the life fade from the chicken, feeling the warm gush of blood and smelling the metallic tang only left me with a sick feeling. I did not like the knowledge that the innocent creature had to suffer only so I could eat.

And now, these inky pages tell a different story. They have come from as far away as Vietnam, carrying a message of sorrow and apology. It has been so long since I have thought of Thuan Bao as a part of my life that his message of regret does not move me except for a slight sadness.

He writes that in his homeland he has been forced into an arranged marriage by his parents. She is Dong Han, a woman who has the appearance of a cow and the temperament of a wasp. It is Thuan Bao's sincerest regret that he cannot return to me, and that he had thought to ask me for marriage if somehow I could get out of the emperor's service.

His words are beautiful, and I can tell that he wishes not to disappoint me by saying that he is marrying another. I suppose there was no love between Thuan Bao and myself, but it is saddening to know that he will easily let his parents force him into an unwanted marriage when he desires another to be his wife.

I wish for the man's happiness, and this he will not find with a woman he does not desire. Can the parents of my lover be so cruel? Obviously, if he is not to return to Japanese soil, Thuan Bao must pen a letter of regret for the emperor. Will Mamoru speak of "unloyal foreign dogs" after he reads the man's words?

Maybe even the emperor will accuse me of sending away one of the best soldiers who ever joined the Japanese Imperial Army…

&&&&

Author's Notes: I hope you all have enjoyed this chapter. I'm afraid life has left me little time to write lately. This last twist with Thuan Bao wasn't planned; in fact, none of this story has been planned beforehand. When I write, I have no plan, it just appears. _laughs_ Too bad if it turns out wrong, eh? _grins_


	7. Joshoku

**_"Joshoku"_**

If I were to allow myself to feel pity for the empress, it would be because she walked away from love in favor of the power she found at the emperor's feet. Ami considers herself untouchable, but from our brief discussion, I realized that she somewhat regretted giving up the love she'd found. Although it was in a poor fisherman's arms, it was still a love to be reckoned with. I wonder how the man Urawa felt to know that his love was marrying the ruler of all Japan?

Ever since I found out that Thuan Bao is not returning, that he is marrying another, I have taken to studying the people around me. Mostly, I wonder about their love lives, or what passes for love in our society. The streets of Edo are full of false promises of love, which is only lust driven on by a strong attraction. Even in the palace, the concubines lover's give them gifts so that they are pleased and will not complain about the lustful demands placed upon them.

I do not desire another lover now that Thuan Bao will never return to the soil of Japan; it would be too much effort. Only after realizing that I will never see him again did I uncover my true feelings for the man. But it is too late, and he did not offer marriage to me while he was here. If he had, I do not know if I would have accepted, but even then, there would have been the problem of my ties to the emperor.

Serenity has long since left the city, returning to the village of my birth. Before she left, I spoke to her of my family. She knows only of my mother's maiden name: Tsuabe. Other than that, my ancestor's remain a mystery. If the noble line of Tsuabe was so embarrassed by Ikuko for marrying a poor dirt farmer, then I know that they will never claim me, even if any of them are still living.

Studying the people of the palace, the people of Edo's streets, I have come to the conclusion that none of us know what we are searching for. Why are we living; toiling day after day in an existence that we aren't proud of, or even happy in? Sometimes, I am ashamed of the human race for all of our failings. But I cannot judge; my life is not one of proudness either. Being _oiran_, a concubine, is a heartless profession. I can be glad, I suppose, that I must please only one man; a man who does not see me often.

The streets of Edo are littered with prostitutes; women who are far less fortunate than myself, Rei, and the many other women who are the emperor's harem. There is a well-known, seedy alley in Edo that has been named Joshoku, which caters to any number of sexual desires. Men as well as women are known to frequent these sordid establishments, and there are not yet any laws to prevent such happenings.

It has taken a long time, but finally I have found a way to gain entrance to Joshoku. If Rei or Motoki knew that I was considering entering such a place, they would lock me in my room for months. I wish to enter the forbidden streets of Joshoku because of my curiousness. If there are establishments that allow women to love women, perhaps I'll find a way to love myself. I do not say that I wish to love myself in a sexual way; I merely want to know how it feels to be confident and to be myself. Knowing that Thuan Bao is marrying another has taken away much of my self-esteem…

&&&&

The streets of Joshoku are dark; the only illumination is very faintly shining behind the cloths hung over windows of run-down huts that line the dirt street. Some of the huts are obviously the homes of the women and men who run and work at the various establishments in the part of Edo that is called Joshoku. They make no secret of their trade; it is obvious to all who walk among the homes in Joshoku that this a part of the city that caters to the desires of all.

It has been whispered that, in Joshoku, nothing is forbidden. Signs displayed on the sides of buildings, or hanging above doorways, show what needs are catered to within the walls. So far, there is nothing that could possibly help me. It was difficult to sneak from the palace, and I can only hope that no one will find me missing until I return. But why do I remain in the luxuries of the palace, when I am only a toy at Mamoru's whim? If only Thuan Bao hadn't decided to marry another, perhaps I would feel better about my situation.

Stepping inside a nearby hotel -- or what appears to be a hotel -- I look around at the crimson and maroon furnishings overlaid with faux gold. The appearance of richness is only that: an appearance. Like all the others in Joshoku, this is only a sex hotel; according to the sign by the counter, one that caters to all needs.

I look around carefully, seeing no one. Are all of the workers upstairs, busy with their customers? I see an unguarded pile of yen on a back table next to an ashtray that holds a still-smoking cigar butt. Looking closer, I see that it is a very expensive cigar brand; apparently this a hotel that accommodates the rich.

"Are you here for one of our ladies, miss?" Hearing the voice, I turn to see a woman with a soft smile on her face. "Sakiro is one of the most skilled lovers you'll find in all of Joshoku; and she can become very committed, given the right woman. Is this perhaps what you search for?"

I stumble back a step, smiling sickly at the woman. Can she really mean that she expects me to be seeking female love? "N-no, I am not here for that," I stutter quickly. "I am one of Emeperor Mamoru's _oiran_; I seek--"

The woman's eyes go hard, and she swiftly sweeps up the pile of yen I had noticed previously, shoving it into the pocket of a barely-there robe. "If the emperor thinks he'll shut us down for helping females find their partners, he'll have to close down all of Joshoku!" she snaps, her mouth pulled into a stiff frown.

"No, please, you don't understand," I say as she moves behind the counter with purposeful steps to pull out a book that is stained with various ink prints. "I am part of his harem, yes, but I seek help here in Joshoku. I need…" Here, I hesitate, embarrassed with myself. "I wish to be able to love myself," I blurt out.

The woman stares at me, obviously surprised at my outburst. "Sexual love is-- what we supply here. If you seek something else, perhaps you should go elsewhere. Joshoku is not the place to learn about yourself." Bowing her head, she studies the papers before her.

"Please-- Doesn't your sign say that you'll cater to 'any' needs? This-- this is _my _need! Will you not accept my yen? It is good, even if it comes from the emperor's coffers!"

She wavers for a moment, and I can see the confusion on her face. "You've come to Joshoku only to learn to care for yourself?" There is a heavy sigh, and a moment's silence. "Fine. I will try to help you, but it will cost you."

"How much?" I say quickly. "The money is no problem."

"I am talking about emotional cost," she says, then adds, "One thousand yen per night; perhaps it will take weeks or months, but you cannot back out once we are started."

Slowly, Joshoku becomes my home at night. I have learned that this woman's name is Haruka, and she owns the hotel that I wandered into. Sometimes, when my lessons do not require much time or concentration, we speak of various trivial things.

"You should leave the emperor's service and come here to Joshoku. My hotel could always use beautiful women like you."

It is not unusual to have Haruka flirting with me, and I worry sometimes that she feels something more for me than she lets on. "If I were to leave my duty as an _oiran_," I say once again, "the emperor would have me found and executed. Is that what you wish; for my blood to be on the beautiful carpets of this lobby?"

She smiles a sly smile, and I wait for her remark: "Why do you think the carpets are the color they are?" She laughs. "It's not for the fashion statement, I assure you. How many jealous husbands, jilted wives, do you think come here and the rest of the businesses in Joshoku searching for their spouses? It's a precaution I have to take, of course, and the guards aren't useless, either."

It is conversations like these, the companionship I've found with this odd woman, that makes me think that I am living a lie in the palace. Somehow, when I am in the love hotel in Joshoku, I feel freer than I've ever felt in the palace, even with Motoki and Rei. Does this make sense? It doesn't to me, but I am starting to understand that perhaps I wasn't meant to be part of a harem.

Perhaps, I am meant to live in a place like Joshoku and truly find myself. Oddly enough, the seedy part of Edo almost reminds me of Ametsuchi Geeto-no; that sacred place outside of my home village. This small community of Joshoku is somewhat off-limits to the respectable people, or the ones who would prefer to keep their reputations intact, and it is sort of the same with Ametsuchi Geeto-no. In similarity, they are off-limits to different people for different reasons; the sacred area outside of my village is off-limits to everyone but the most powerful of _majo_.

I am afraid of leaving the duty of a concubine, for it would mean putting myself out onto the unforgiving streets of Edo. It would also mean raising the emperor's ire, which is never a good idea. To have the ruler of all Japan mad at you is a certain death sentence. Motoki and Rei have not yet questioned my nightly absences, which pleases me. I think they would fall shun me if they knew that I am beginning to feel at home in Joshoku.

Tonight, I forgo the meeting with Haruka to finally speak with Rei once again. It has been too long since I have paid attention to this friendship… "Usagi, please. You must speak of your feelings. So what if Thuan Bao is marrying a Vietnamese woman because of his parents wishes? It's _you_ that he really cares about. That matters, right?"

Rei's pep talk only gives me a small smile; it is foolish to hear what she speaks of. Can she understand how I feel about Thuan Bao's desertion? The man was supposed to have been my faithful lover, who wouldn't desert me no matter what. I suppose I was foolish truly believe such a thing; there was no commitment between the two of us, even if he did write in cramped, often wrong characters that he had wished to marry me.

At least, I _think_ that was his message. Thuan Bao's written Japanese was even worse than his spoken, and although the characters were often hard to decipher, it is hard to mistake that singular sentiment in the letter. I cannot even think of marriage, or going to Joshoku permanently, if I remain in the palace and under the emperor's thumb.

Sometimes, I remember my fantasies while I was back at my father's poor farm; I would dream of having a devoted and successful man who would truly love me and care for me. It was a foolish dream of mine, perhaps, but once I was accepted into the palace's ranks, I somehow thought that it was coming true.

How could I have been so foolish, imagining that the emperor would fall madly in love with me, marry me, and send off the rest of his harem because he only wanted my body? It was a rose-tinted world that I lived in: one without pain or sadness; one that was always an unwise dream. Perhaps I held onto that idea for far too long, letting it overshadow the reality of my life.

Maybe if I'd let go of that stupid fantasy earlier, I wouldn't have colored the emperor so gaily in my mind, or expected Thuan Bao to fall hopelessly in love with me and take me to a glorious home in an exotic foreign land. If I was so careless with my soul, maybe I would be better off in a place like Joshoku.

There is no place for daydreams, no place in the harsher reality of life in Joshoku for a possible flight of fancy that would only leave me heartbroken in the end. In that community, I couldn't possibly fall in love with someone who used my body for their own pleasures; it would be opening myself up for numerous hurts and disappointments I might never overcome.

I don't know of anyone who would understand my feelings, not even Rei, who would most likely laugh in my face or recoil from me in disgust. I don't know if these feelings are natural, but sometimes I am afraid of myself. Why would I want to give up a life that most girls only dream about, just because of my self-doubt?

&&&&

Lately today, my thoughts have focused on the empress, and the faceless fisherman's son she was in love with. Such a woman, to deny love in favor of power, must surely be heartless or very strong-willed. I do not yet understand how she could simply walk away from love just to become a powerful woman. Is there a way to know, a woman's intuition, that tells you if you'll be able to survive the separation from a loved one?

To find a better life, the empress walked away from her life in a poor coastal village, but she also left behind a man who must have cared for her very much. I have heard whispers in the palace hallways, and even in the hotel in Joshoku, that the woman's fisherman lover has been frequenting establishments in Edo, trying to gain information about the empress.

It seems that he doesn't want to let her go, even though she is now the all-powerful empress, a position that many would die for. The guards will find him, and he will be jailed or even executed for his impure thoughts about the empress. That is the way it should be in reality, anyway.

I truly feel sorry for this man, this Urawa, so I will try to make a difference. My new connections in Joshoku must be useful in this endeavor, so have spoken to Haruka about the clean-cut man. By all reports, he does not appear to be the fisherman's son he claims to be; instead, he gives the impression of a well-to-do lord or a high-ranking samurai's son.

As soon as I locate this man, I will speak to him of his foolish desires and make him see that his dreams will never come to fruition. If he wishes to live a long life, he'll take himself back to his coastal town and marry a horse-faced woman who would love him with all of her heart and devotion.

It sounds nice in theory, of course, but I have no assurances that this man will listen to me. What good is the word of the emperor's concubine, anyway? Even though I am higher on society's ladder than the prostitutes who troll the streets, sometimes I don't feel that way. The censuring eyes of the high-born ladies who visit the palace burn into my back, and the lustful looks their men cast in our direction only disgust me.

&&&&

The man, Urawa, has been tracked down and tonight we meet, in an upstairs room at Haruka's hotel in Joshoku. I am surprised that he agreed to speak with me, after learning that our meeting place was to be a reputed love hotel. Kneeling on the floor, I can hear the soft footsteps of Hotaru, the young girl who is employed at the hotel as a cleaning woman, as she leads the fisherman toward the room where I wait.

Carefully pulling my sleeve up to conceal my face below the eyes, I watch as the man enters the room, bowing before me as he takes his seat. "Why have I been brought here?" he says roughly, not bothering with the politeness of small talk. "I have no use for prostitutes; not even expensive ones!"

"Sir, please understand my motives and listen carefully. I know you are not in the market for a woman's love; that is not why I've requested your presence here. The empress-- You and she were in love, correct?"

His eyes shift away from me, and he stares off into the distance at a far off corner of the room as he says slowly: "What difference does it make? Now, she's got all the power and money she could ever dream of. A fisherman; he won't ever stand up to the life she's found as the emperor's wife. I could never give my Ami the things she desired, so that's why…"

"You just let her go; you didn't put up a fight because you felt that living here in the palace would make her happy," I finish for him. "Tell me, is she happy now? Have you seen glimpses of her when you skulk around the palace? Do you see a glow on her face when she gazes at her husband?" I pause, letting him comprehend my words.

"No," I continue, "you don't see happiness on this woman's face. If she is comfortable, it is only because of the luxuries she has gained. What is it worth, knowing of your husband's infidelity, having the pressures of running Japan on your shoulders? I would never wish such a fate, but if I had love, I would not walk away from it for material things."

"Your thoughts-- they don't mean anything. You cannot tell me what my Ami thinks; you are not close to her. Just who are you to speak this way, anyway?"

I bow my head. "I am one of the emperor's concubines," I say carefully. There is no other way to introduce myself. Although Mamoru hasn't visited my bed in months, neither has he sought out my advice. Maybe it is foolish of me, but it gives me a lonely feeling. Just one more reason I sometimes feel I'd be better off in Joshoku, with no ties to anyone.

The man looks at me for a long moment, his face betraying no emotion. "You are one who causes hurt in my Ami's eyes when she knows why her bed is empty?" he says slowly, dangerously.

"Please, you must understand my position. I was sold into the emperor's service; it was not my choice for a life. If the empress is in pain, it is part of her obligation as the emperor's wife. Ruling the whole of Japan-- it is not an easy task. The emperor must be as many different men; he has no time to rest or free himself from stress the way others do. He is just one man who is forced to act as many; there is only so much he can handle."

Hotaru enters silently, placing a tray of cups and a pitcher of sake in between us. I pour it, as a good hostess should, and the man accepts a cup. For myself, I pour from the teapot and inhale the aroma of the familiar green tea. After taking a sip of the rice wine, Urawa studies me carefully. Now that the drinks have arrived, I can no longer hide my face as successfully as before.

"You expect me to believe many things," he says slowly. "But I ask you this: is my Ami well?"

Bowing my head, I ponder over the ways to answer this question. Finally, I say, "She is physically well. As for her emotional state… Well, who can say, after she walked away from love?"

Urawa frowns at me. "Don't speak to me of love. You're a woman who sells her body; you can't even remain faithful to the emperor if you are in this place. Just who do you think you are, trying to turn my heart from Ami?"

"It is pointless to care for her now," I say softly. "She is protected by many guards; if they suspect you are a threat, they will kill you. Do the wise thing, Urawa; go back to your village and marry a woman who won't look for the glamour of a place like this."

He stares at me as if I've grown two heads right before his eyes. "Go back; marry another? You speak of foolish things, lady. How can you expect me to leave the woman I love in the arms of another?"

"She has made her choice. Don't you know? She doesn't care about her past; she only looks toward the future and the possible riches awaiting her. As the empress, all the power of Japan is at her fingertips. Even Narue knew this, although she gained more power even than Utsu, some say."

I see the confusion in his face-- apparently, coastal villages don't get much of the gossip from Edo. I quickly explain to him about Narue's affair with the emperor and how she managed to steal away much of Mao's attention from his wife. "You can see the reasons behind returning to your village, can't you? If you marry a woman there, one who won't hunger for the allure of a life in Edo's busy streets. Can't you see what's around you, here in Joshoku? It's a rat's nest of ill-mannered, lustful ruffians! Is that the sort of life you want your wife to hunger for?"

Urawa frowns, and I can see the indecision in his eyes. "But… What good is a life without the one I love? If I marry another from my village, where will that leave Ami-- and our love?"

"In the place she wishes to be," I remind him. "No one forced Ami to come here and become the empress; it was of her own free will that she became this person you can no longer recognize. Why don't you return to your village; forget trying to gain glimpses of a woman who is so far removed from the village woman you once knew?" I smile at him. "Find a woman who is content with herself in the village; marry her and raise many children who will carry on the fisherman's legacy. And, perhaps, if one of those children hungers to see the exoticness of Edo, I will take them under my wing and protect them from harm. It will be a contented life for you."

He gives me a skeptical look, but surely he can see the wiseness of my suggestion. The empress is no longer a woman that he could know; she has become the person she hungered to become even as she vowed promises of love to this man. Drinking down the last of his sake, Urawa nods at me and gets to his feet.

"I thank you for this meeting, but now I must take my leave. Perhaps you're right; I would be better off finding a woman who does not have aspirations such as Ami did. Back in my village, there is a woman, Sakiko. She was Ami's best friend, but perhaps now she'll accept my advances. She was beautiful, kind, and she was satisfied with her life at the village. Her personality was nothing like Ami's… We'll be better off together, maybe."

As he leaves, I bow my head in silent relief. Perhaps now, Urawa will leave Edo and the guard won't behead him. It isn't that I'm afraid that he would take Ami away from Mamoru; I couldn't care less if she were to disappear from the emperor's life forever. However, I also know that, in the end, it would be dangerous and potentially fatal for both lovers. It is better this way, especially if Urawa finds his contentment elsewhere, the way Ami has.

&&&&

I can see the censure in the emperor's eyes, and I glance carefully to where his wife and mother sit nearby. I knock my forehead against the floor, waiting for the shouting to begin. I wonder what problem they have discovered with me. I have heard of no other concubines being called to an audience between all three of the most powerful people in Japan; it is unsettling to know that I am the only one.

I do not yet understand why they have brought me here, but surely they will speak of it in time. For now, I cannot bring up the subject myself, for it is forbidden for a concubine to speak before the emperor. The lacquer-edged screen leading out onto the veranda reminds me of the gilded cage I've found myself in as I am lost in my thoughts waiting for someone to speak. The silence is meant to make me worry, perhaps, and it is successful.

"Lady Usagi." Finally, a word! A break in the silence that comes none too soon, spoken by the emperor. "There has been a change in the palace ranks."

I frown, not understanding his meaning. Utsu elaborates: "The number of concubines is to be limited. Thus far, no heir has been apparent among the ranks, therefore it is the decision of we three that there be less spreading of my son's seed. It will have a better chance of flourishing; of giving life to the male child that must one day take up the throne of Japan."

"Is it not the duty of the empress to give him a son?" I whisper, already knowing that they mean to cast me aside, onto the streets of Edo. "I know that we concubines are here for pleasure, and perhaps childbirth, but… At the end, is it not the emperor's wife who deserve this honor?"

Ami's eyes are downcast, but she says softly: "I do not deserve to bear this great man a child. It is so much a miracle that I am even here, in this position."

Once again, I think of my theory that the emperor is sterile. What if the fault does not lie with the women, but with the man himself? I cannot voice these thoughts aloud to anyone, of course, for it would be treason and would mean my death. But there is still the niggling doubt at the back of my head as I hear just why I am to be dismissed…

For faithful service, I am to be given a one-time sum of a thousand yen, and safe passage back to my home village if I so wish it. Other than that, the royal family has wiped its' hands of me. It appears that there is now no choice in my life: if I want somewhere to live, I must accept Haruka's offer to be part of her hotel.

"Honorable Emperor," I say carefully, "how can you cast me aside like so much debris? Have I not found a place within your heart with my sage advice and open ears? If I am sent away, what sort of life will I have? The streets of Edo are unkind to one such as myself, who has been thrown aside."

"It is none of our concern!" Utsu snaps. I can see that the high rulers of Japan do not care for others. If I am to be killed or raped after thrown out onto the unforgiving streets, it will be myself against all of the horrors to be faced there.

I knock my forehead against the floor, remembering that it is a precarious position, being part of the palace's ranks. I had thought, foolishly, that being the one that Mamoru spoke to openly would gain me a permanent position in life. It is only another childish, naïve fantasy that has left me out in the cold.

When my father first send me to this place, I thought that it was by the grace of heaven that I'd been picked out of the many women in Japan. To be the emperor's concubine was a dream come true-- nothing could compare! And now, to find that I am being thrust aside because of the emperor's inability to father children?

"What-- what if I am carrying the emperor's heir?" I blurt out, causing the three pairs of eyes to snap to me. Their attention had been drifting to other matters, already having dismissed me in their minds, and waiting for me to leave the room quietly. Now, though, they stare at me with shock in their eyes.

Utsu's cold gaze falls upon my face. "What are you talking about?"

Now that the words have left my mouth, I wish I could take them back. The three other occupants of the room had already dismissed me; if only I'd stayed quiet, I could have slunk into the shadows of Joshoku and begun a new life! An empty sigh works it way past my lips; now that I've begun this second confrontation, I'd better get it over with. "I-it is only a suggestion, honorable ones," I whisper past trembling lips. Why, oh why, did I have to open my mouth with something that I know is not true?

Ami looks at me, but thankfully there is little hint of her mother in-law's coldness. "If you are indeed with child, it would be unwise to send you from the palace. If you were to be attacked, and the child injured before its' birth, the child of the emperor would suffer. How would Japan's people go on, then, with the heir to their throne injured or dead? It would be a foolish decision to send you away, before we knew for certain if you carried the emperor's child or not."

"This woman had a lover!" Utsu sputtered. "Who's to say that any child she bears could not be from the Vietnamese man's seed? Could we, in good heart, put a foreign brat on the throne of Japan and call him my grandson?"

Mamoru held up his hand for his mother's silence. "Thuan Bao has left Japanese soil over a year ago, and it has been known publicly that he will not be returning to our land. Unless Lady Usagi has taken a lover in secret, then any child from her womb would most certainly be of my seed."

I breathe a sigh of relief. Although my foolish words could have possibly brought disaster down on my head, it appears that the emperor is sticking up for me. But for what purpose? Surely he can't believe my claims to pregnancy! Doesn't he know of his own shortcomings?

Ami and Utsu look at the emperor with varying expressions of condemnation and approval. In Utsu's case, she condemns her son for his lack of resolve and the way his actions prove that he is merely a man-- he is not above the base lusts of mortal man. Ami apparently approves of the emperor's actions, for reasons which I cannot define.

Tension fills my limbs as I wait for their verdict. Will they send me from the palace, despite my claims of potential pregnancy, so that I will have to face the unforgiving streets? Although I entertained ideas of living permanently in Joshoku, that was before I could be sent from the palace in disgrace. It was a young girl's dreams of freedom, of a life that is different from the one I am living; a life that appears exotic and free. But… to truly enter such an existence?

Now, the childish fantasy doesn't appear so appealing. If only I'd listened to my own words when I thought to wipe away all traces of childlike whimsy.

&&&&

**_Author's Notes:_** I wonder if including the community of Joshoku was a good idea? Well, I hope it's a good chapter, nonetheless.


	8. Ideas of Grandeur

Author's Notes: The poem that Usagi writes is found in the novel "The Tale of Murasaki," which tells about the life of the author of the famous "Tale of Genji." Please keep in mind, everyone, that this story is merely a work of fiction, and seeing as how I'm not a historical expert, especially not Japanese or Asian history, to take nothing in this story as actual fact from history; it's all made up!

* * *

Although I planned to live permanently in Joshoku after I was banned from the palace, this did not come to pass. While I was still living in the palace waiting for the royals to realize that I was not pregnant, there came an attack upon Japan's shores. Our palace has been a place of grim quietness, and rumors have spread that Mamoru plans for all of us to move to the winter palace many miles away for everyone's safety.

We have heard that the attackers are preparing to ransack the palace, and it would be safer if we deserted it. Many - like Rei - are confused and angered at this plan. Why should we give up our home to the barbarians? they ask. 'We should stay and fight!' is their battle call, trying to set a fire under the hearts of the soldiers. It hasn't worked yet, however, and Rei complains to me that these soldiers are weaklings; if they truly wanted to defend our emperor and the sacred palace, they would fight to the death.

I patiently try to explain to Rei that if the guards were to lay down their lives, it would solve nothing, but she continues to spout these foolish opinions. If Rei will not quiet herself, it could result in her being left behind as the rest of the emperor's entourage travels to the winter palace.

"I don't care about being left behind!" she bursts out, glaring at me. "Can't you see that we're just cowards if we turn and run? Why should we let these barbarians take over the palace; our land? It's ours; we should fight!"

"These barbarians," I say slowly, "are the Vietnamese people, according to rumors. Have you forgotten Thuan Bao?"

She frowns at me, and I can see the surprise and censure in her eyes. "I thought you gave up on him after he married that other woman? You should know, Usagi, that he'd never wait on you. You're a concubine; he's a man. Why should he tie himself to you when he's got the best of both worlds, stringing you along and marrying a proper woman his parents would be proud of? It's not too hard to figure out."

Compressing my lips tightly in irritation, I shake my head. "Rei, you don't understand. It's not that I'm waiting on Thuan Bao to come back to me; I know that would never happen. It's just… can't I at least still care for him? I know it's dangerous and silly, but I do."

She shakes her head. "No one will save you, surely you know that. If you're just waiting on someone's pity, it's a lost cause. Do you understand that, Usagi? If a man cares for you, it will only be because he wants your body that you've given freely to another man."

"You don't have to remind me how they'll think of me on the streets," I say softly. "Why do you think I'm still here, instead of-" I break off, glancing away. I haven't told anyone that the emperor only keeps me here now to make sure that I'm not carrying an heir. Perhaps Motoki knows, because of the servants' gossip, but he has said nothing, and I am sure I can trust him for his silence.

Rei looks at me suspiciously. She knows that I was about to say something, but that I failed to complete my thought. It's unusual for the two of us not to share all of our thoughts, but for once, I can't let Rei in on my fears. How could she understand; this woman who has the best of both worlds? She could never understand my need to find peace in Joshoku's seedy hell, and she could not understand this.

Sometimes lately, I find myself confused. I can't remember why it was that I was so wary of going to Joshoku after I was given the choice, but other times… How could I want to live there, and give up everything I've found at the palace? It's not much of a choice, really, but if I am banned from the palace, I won't have a choice in it at all..

I can't remember my father's face anymore, and that's probably for the best. He never cared for me, and if someday I saw him on the streets, I would see only another stranger's face. It's not such a bad life I've found for myself, but I wonder why it is that I am the only concubine who will be sent away? It's possible that somehow Utsu and Ami coerced the emperor with their opinion; I know that they always resented me.

The intrigues of the palace are somewhat familiar to me, and yet I feel that I am lacking in substance. Substance that would aid me in this emotional battle between myself and the two empresses. I am no match for them separately, and now that they have joined forces, it's only a matter of time before I'm booted from the emperor's entourage.

I wish I could say that it doesn't matter to me; that I could easily walk away from this life in the palace and start a new one in Joshoku, but how can I? I am not a strong-willed woman like others that I've seen. I am even worse than my father; I can't claw myself out of a desperate situation. He was able to, although he had to sell off his daughter to do it. Is that the secret of success: crushing everyone in your way just to profit yourself?

While the preparations are being made to abandon the palace, I am bored in my solitude, so I attempt to pen some poetry. The brush shakes as I keep my mind off of the running footsteps outside my door which signify the uproar we're going through. What I write is not so fancy, but it holds double meanings:

As the song of the crickets fades in the hedge, it is impossible to stop autumn's farewell; how sad they must be too…

Just as we must abandon this palace, also Minako's life has fled. This poem has many meanings, considering the many things going on in my life. For now, luckily, I am still part of the palace's occupants, but because I am saved because of a tragic event, I feel guilty. Is it right that I should remain an honored concubine only because of the timing of the attack from the Vietnamese army?

Sometimes, I like to sift through my memories of Thuan Bao to try to pinpoint his reactions if he learns that his country's people are going to attack mine. Does he already know that I am at risk; does he just not care, so happy he is with this new bride of his? It's not that I'm worried about what my former lover is doing with his new woman; it's more a question of the ethics of his country attacking mine.

Didn't our armies just work together recently? So what could have set them off? As far as I know, even Mamoru and the council does not know. But whatever it is that caused the Vietnamese army to attack our shores, it appears to be a fatal encounter. If Mamoru doesn't have the nerve to stay and fight, it means the end for our people; our heritage. I sometimes wonder about the future of Japan if we are truly overrun by the people of Vietnam.

For now, though, I merely have to wait in the palace until all preparations for desertion are made. The poems that flow from my brush onto the rice paper are not inspirational; I can't even believe that I waste such valuable paper on these foolish words. But it is something to take up my time, at least.

I am slightly worried about Haruka and the others in the vicinity of Joshoku. If Edo is taken, they will be the first to be demeaned by the foreign rebels. If I could make my way to Joshoku and check on my friends, I would do it in a heartbeat, but with all of this ruckus, I am being closely watched.

* * *

Almost all of Japan has fallen under the influx of the foreign soldiers. Our army isn't as productive as the emperor would have us believe. Every able-bodied man, from every island that Japan can claim, has come to defend the country. From rumors circulating, I've heard that even Urawa, who once swore undying love to the empress, has taken up arms to fight the foreign dogs.

Instead of going to the winter palace like we were told, we have separated into two groups. The emperor, half of his concubines, and much of the royal party has gone on to the winter palace. Myself, the empress, and the other half of the concubines are just now entering the territory of Ami's homeland.

The scent of acrid smoke that reaches my nostrils causes me to recoil, and carefully reach out to pull back the silk covering of my sedan chair. I did not expect that the Vietnamese army had already reached this place, but it appears that they have already brought their terrible intentions to this small village. There is a cry of shock as the empress stumbles from her private sedan chair, unmindful of the servants who were carrying it who now drop to their knees with cries of shock as she tumbles out.

But Ami has no time for the servants' apologies for potential scraped knees or bruises; she only has eyes for a plot of land that is now nothing more than tree stumps and scorched wood and grass. In spots, smoke still rises from the ground where the grass and other debris was burnt away by the pillaging army.

I don't understand why we've stopped here, for I can see roofs in the distance that must be the village. Was this an outlying community, littered with trees? Whispers travel through the ranks that this was a field of cherry trees; a beloved spot to the villagers where they would all view the sakura at blooming time. Now, it has been destroyed thanks to the foreign dogs who wish to take over our land.

I understand the woman's grief over the loss of such beauty, for I often enjoyed the cherry blossoms in the courtyards at Edo. But with all of the loss our country is presently going through, shouldn't she be more concerned about the lives that are being lost instead of the sakura, despite their beauty?

Although the entourage has stopped, I am still in my sedan chair, which I notice as an afterthought. Motioning to the servants to lower me to the ground, I easily lever myself from the transport. A figure clad in brightly-colored silk comes up to me, servants scampering behind her to hold the trailing edges of her kimono away from the dust.

It is a common road heading to a common village, and I can see the distaste on Rei's face. "Just why have we stopped here?" she says haughtily, for the moment not caring that I, too, am in the same position as she.

"It's a heartfelt moment for the empress," I tell her. "Do you see the charred remains of this place? It was once a sakura field, but after the Vietnamese army arrived, they burnt out and cut away any reminder of the former beauty."

There is a moment's silence. "So why have we stopped? It's not as if a field of cherry blossom trees is important to us. Safety should be our key priority."

Rei is so lost in selfishness that she cannot see that this place means a lot to the empress. Ami's sensibilities are that of a village-grown woman instead of the noble-born lady she's been trained to be. It would certainly upset her to see a valued piece of her village's history destroyed because another country didn't understand the beauty or the symbolism.

"These trees were part of her village's history. Seeing them destroyed… How can you just expect her to walk away from a tragic discovery like that?" I pause, then shake my head. "Although, I do hope that she remembers to worry about the people of the village soon. After all, if this field was burnt out by the invading army, it's possible that the people could have been severely harmed."

"If they aren't hurt," Rei says, with a touch of anger in her voice, "then they're cowards who couldn't defend their own land. Is that the kind of stock we want our ruler's wife to come from?"

I bow my head at her angry words. "One of the villagers, that I know of, has joined the Japanese army. He fights for our side at great risk to himself. Once, he was the paramour to the empress, but that was before she gained such a rank."

There is no flash of sympathy or even recognition in Rei's eyes, and I sadly wonder what tragedy in her life could have taken away her humanity. Her feelings for others…

"Move on!" I hear the call come down the ranks, but I hesitate before clambering back into my sedan chair as I see Rei stride past her own transport, heading to a guard that is nearby on horseback. Is she crazy, defying tradition and Imperial law? I wonder as I see her speak to the armored guard.

Motioning to my servants to wait a moment, I strain to hear what Rei speaks of, although the words are distant. "I want to speak to the empress!" I hear Rei said stridently. "Lend me your horse, soldier!"

Although Rei's sedan chair, and therefore the guard she speaks to, are a slight distance away from me, I can still make out the shocked features on the man's face and even hear his stuttering reply. "I-it is not done, my lady! What woman would lower herself to ride such a sweaty beast? After all, this is a war horse- not meant for a lady's fine sensibilities! The empress- you can speak to her after we've settled in at our destination."

I can see that the guard is nervous as he glances toward the front of the line. No woman, concubine or other, has ever tried to take a horse, much less do so to speak to the empress. "It is a matter of urgency!" I hear Rei cry.

No matter what she says, the guard is not swayed. Fearful of his position if he lets a woman take his horse, he apologizes and swiftly spurs his mount away from the uncomfortable confrontation. As the guard and his horse canter away, Rei steps into the sedan chair in a huff after being directed by nervous servants.

Finally, the procession behind Rei begins to move again, moving swiftly as possible to catch up with the rest of the group. I still don't understand how such a large group hopes to hide from the enemy army, but since they've already ransacked this village, it appears to be a safe hiding place. I only worry about the emperor and his companions- surely the enemy will know of the existence of the winter palace.

* * *

The villagers are frightened because of the recent attacks, but they've greeted us happily enough once realizing that Ami was part of our group. The power of the empress reaches even back to her home village, which is a good stroke of luck for us.

We've been here for a week now, and each of us has been pleasantly settled into the village's daily routine. Tents have been set up around the outskirts of the town, and even if we aren't used to such accommodations, it's necessary that we don't complain overmuch. If a concubine starts to whine about the trivial matters like her housing and the lack of luxury, she'll quickly be thrown away and made to defend for herself.

I understand that the empress is suspicious of my claims of pregnancy, and once she finds out the truth, I might even be sent from here in disgrace. But at least for now I can enjoy the beauty of this small community.

I've felt very ashamed of myself, of the luxury I show off so heartlessly, when I am confronted by children no bigger than toddlers who are already hauling water from the stone-walled wells; women who work from dawn until dusk; men who are frightened of their very shadows as they attempt to protect their women, children, and their village.

When I see myself in their eyes, I am doubly ashamed. I am a woman who gains her livelihood by using her body. I have been trying to dress down my wardrobe so that I am not trying to flaunt my wealth. Many of the women have only one, dark-colored kimono for everyday use and one brightly-colored and fresh kimono for special occasions. Their jewelry is all second-hand; handed down through the generations and purchased slowly over time as different grandmother's were able to hoard enough money to look halfway presentable at festivals.

It's even worse that they must now see me and the others flaunting our wealth without the knowledge of how it feels to be poor. I understand this pain, however, because I used to be as poor as they. But now, I have a new life, completely lifted out of the dust that once clung permanently to my only pair of shoes.

In this village, the people go on about their lives even after their precious field of beautiful trees has been stripped away. Life must continue: food must be cooked; children tended to. There is no time for idle jealousies over the beautiful things the visiting people possess.

However… Sitting in my tent, a shabby excuse for a temporary shelter, I look down at a finely decorated box, slim and transportable. Running shaking fingers across the surface, I feel the soft grooves of the box that is worn from age and years of use. Sliding off the lid, I gaze down into the velvet depths and carefully reach in and draw out the object.

It is a finely-crafted fan, deceptively beautiful with its skillful image of a traditionally dressed Japanese woman next to a beautiful sakura tree on an ebony background. Despite its' beautiful image, there is also an edge of danger to it. Fingering the silky soft tassels that hang from it, I look at the deceivingly beautiful fan. It is an object of beauty, but it is also a weapon of war and defense.

The sharp edge of the fan is a finely-honed weapon that only the most skilled fighters can use effectively. I am not skilled in this weapon; in fact, I have never even lifted it in a defensive stance, and I probably never will. The fan was given to me by a noble woman who visited the palace and admired me for what she called my 'spiritual strength.' I don't know if she was merely looking down her nose at a concubine and covering it up, or if she was sincere, but I enjoy the beauty and the danger of the fan.

The noblewoman, Setsuna, was very skilled with the sharp-edged weapon. I remember seeing the fluid motions of her body as she moved, the quiet _swish _of her clothing as it moved effortlessly around her moving body. Her hair was soft, easily swaying with her movements, as she demonstrated the powerful force of the sharp-edged fan. I was in awe of her power, her control over what seemed to be only a blur as she sliced apart the cloth-filled dummies that had been set up at her request.

For now, the fan is mine, and although I am in awe of the deadly force it contains, I cannot wield it accurately myself. I am not physically inclined, and to attempt to use the fan as a weapon would only be a disgrace to the beauty of the object. To even try to flutter it delicately would be a laugh, for I have no such gracefulness. If a person such as Rei were to use the fan, she could make it stunning whether she used it as an object of art or a dangerous weapon. But I could never share the existence of the fan with her; it was a gift from the kindest person I've met (save Motoki) since becoming part of the palace's occupants.

The signifigance of this fan relating to my life now has not been lost to me. It lies within a box that is worn from age, but the container is still beautiful with its designs. This village is somewhat like the box: it has been ravaged by the war, but the people still hold their spirit. The people resemble the fan to some extent. They appear to be peaceful, but if pushed they will fight back.

I wonder sometimes about these people that the empress grew up with. I've yet to personally meet any of her family, but this is not so unusual. Her parents would not want to meet one of the women who also shares their daughter's husband's bed.

Replacing the fan into its box, I slide the lid closed and sit with one hand resting on the smooth wood. Staring at the cloth side of the tent, eyes unfocused, I wonder what has become of my life. I never expected to be hiding out in a village while my country is ravaged by war, trying desperately to keep the silken hem of my beautiful robes out of the mud.

Since living in the palace, I haven't had to worry about getting mud on these expensive clothes, but now I must be careful of each step I take. Sometimes I wish I had an old kimono that would easily take a dousing in the mud with little damage so that I could walk around freely. But for an emperor's concubine to wear an old, ratty kimono just isn't done.

We must appear beautiful at every moment; we are supposed to be above reproach even if we are only objects used for sex. Silly, isn't it, I think to myself sometimes. I am only a thing, a possession, to be used for the emperor's physical gratification without my emotions involved and yet I must remain beautiful, pristine and untouched, as if I am a piece of porcelain on a high shelf.

Throughout it all, emotions cannot come into play. Even if I wish to dress in an old kimono and run through a light rain with the other girls, I cannot. Such frivolities have no place in my life any longer; I have grown up.

* * *

Standing just outside the outskirts of the village, I look at the bustling people who carry on with their daily lives. Feeling the dry dust beneath my slippered feet, I think that the land is crying out for a savior. Japan's own soil seems to have given up hope of the possibility of its' emperor returning to his throne.

It has been a long and hard journey since I left my father's poor farm; after he sold me, I hung onto the next man who would take care of me. I've lived in the shadow of a man for so long, I think it's time for me to move on.

Mamoru's unfeeling taking of my virginity hurt deeper than I ever cared to admit, and trying to find happiness in the cold love of Thuan Bao was useless. Why should I hide in the shadow of a man when the light beckons? Somewhere, there has to be a use for dreaming; a place where a woman can make something of herself without leaning on a man's shoulder.

The people of this village are so mindless of the way life could be, if only someone would take a stand. I've been the emperor's chattel for so long, a sexual servant, that I am lost in my own frightened dreams. Sometimes, I can't even find myself behind the emotionless passions these men have stirred within my body.

Mamoru's heartless taking of me was for duty; Thuan Bao's slightly warmer courtship was one of sexual longing, even if he did profess to love me. So, after being taken by two men, and worse the wear for it, why do I stay trapped? Now that I'm far away from the emperor, guarded only by the little-manned defense force, I can easily slip away. It would leave Rei alone with her temper, and Ami would be satisfied that there was one less woman to threaten her position.

Now that I have the choice of fleeing contact with a possessive man, should I take it? It would mean a life without the luxuries I've come to expect, but this is a simple thing when I think back on my childhood. Even as a woman, I've always longed for the days when I could be more like a peasant-woman so that I didn't have to watch my every step. If even a hair was out of place as a concubine, it would mean punishment.

Another reason to run: my hair is slowly fading back to the lighter tones, and there is no way to dye it here. These foreign roots will be the death of me if I can't find a way to permanently get rid of them. Even Mamoru's overseas roots, evident in his eyes, don't account for anything. He is allowed to keep the throne, even if his blood isn't purely Japanese.

I can hear the calls of the guards as they prepare to rally up our members and count each concubine, check for signs of 'damage.' The empress installed a new law that as long as we're on the road and away from the palace, it's necessary for every concubine to be checked each night and morning to make sure that no man besides the emperor has known the charms of our body. Cheating on the lord of Japan would be a foolish move if his wife is so zealous in her claim of her position.

I glance toward the burnt-out stand of sakura trees; there is a clear pathway to freedom if I choose to take it. I could so easily turn and rush down the dirt path that winds through what was once a beautiful field of blooming trees. The empress would not care; she would only gloat over the fact that there was one less woman taking away her husband's attentions.

"Usagi!" I turn toward Rei's voice, seeing the woman standing at a distance. "Come on; the guards are almost done with the others."

The lure of freedom is so strong that the call of friendship is like the brush of a fly's wing against my cheek. Barely there, without substance; I cannot acknowledge Rei's call when independence beckons so temptingly. Taking a step backward, my eyes locked with Rei's, I see the moment when she realizes what I am about to do.

Liberty, freedom from a man's commands and his lustful desires, that is all I can see in my future. Now that the emperor's arms are so far off, and Thuan Bao's body is linked to another in marriage, I feel that I am free to do as I choose. It wouldn't be so bad, to live in a village like this; just another face in the crowd of dirt-streaked peasants trying to eke out a living from the dying ground.

Japan is at war; we are besieged by the enemy's forces, but that doesn't mean we've lost our spirit. I wonder briefly if Rei would enjoy the life of a woman free of a man's whims, but I see the flicker of pain in her eyes even at this distance. She experiences pain, beliving that the choice I have made will bring me a miserable life, but she can't see that it is the exact opposite.

Mechanically, my mind goes over the things I will need to collect from my tent. There is little of value; only a few food items that would be useful on the road and the sharp-edged fan, even if I can't use it as a weapon. I do not wish to take the beautiful silk clothing, or the soft, expensive slippers; they are useless to me. I only want to slip back into a life that is unimpressive to anyone else…

Even if Japan's end is near, I will slip into the shadows and live a life without being commanded by a man. I will no longer let my desire for companionship and the ideal of love hold me back. It will be a hard journey, but I will make it. My soul is stronger now than it ever was, and I will not be dissuaded from what I've chosen.

No one will chase after me; I'm better off gone from Edo, especially if the hierarchy of Japan is changed.

This is what I thought for myself, anyway. In the end, I couldn't tear myself away from the small bits of companionship I've found among the people like Rei and Motoki. We've left the small coastal village that housed us while the Vietnamese dogs took over the island nation, and now we journey back to what was once the most popular city in all of Japan.

Many of us have speculated that the enemy left only burnt-out buildings, stealing all of the precious treasures from the palace that weren't able to be hidden before we fled. Others have said that just perhaps they are laying in wait in the crevices of the alleys, making us think that they have deserted our nation before they attack as the emperor returns to the city.

Still garbed in the expensive silks, I regret my cowardish ways that kept me from fleeing when I had the chance. It wouldn't have been the best choice to leave, I suppose, because I haven't lived off the land since I was forced to at my father's hand. I wouldn't have had a chance to get to the next village, wherever it might have been, because I wouldn't have been prepared. It was a spur of the moment idea that I run away from a man's control; it was completely thought through, and it's better that the idea was never brought to completion.

As we near the outskirts of Edo, I call to the guard and step off the sedan chair. "Please, take it on with the rest of the procession. I'll walk the rest of the way; I'd like to see what has happened to our beautiful city in our absence."

I wonder what has happened to the people from Joshoku. Haruka's establishment was one of the most popular; would she be able to bounce back after this set-back… if she's still alive? I haven't been able to voice my fears about the fates of my friends, because no one could understand that they are people. To the people in the palace, their way of thinking couldn't allow them to see the inhabitants of Joshoku as anything but garbage and not worth their time.

Walking into the city, I am surprised by what is around me. Ignoring the whispers of the others who laugh behind their hands because I have chosen to walk, I gaze sadly at what was once the center of Japan. The enemy managed to take away much of what was left in the city, but now that the emperor and his party are returning, the civilians will begin to find their ways back and begin to rebuild the wealth.

The burnt-out shells of buildings that were set afire by the enemy are charred; ugly and harsh reminders of the pain we've suffered at their hands. Debris litters the streets: broken weapons; makeshift tents from bits of cloth found in the homes, now torn and beyond use; stinking and fly-infested carcasses of dogs killed for spite and, in places, feminine bodies defiled and corrupted until death claimed the tortured souls.

It would take weeks of cleaning before everything was spotless again, and we haven't even set eyes on the palace yet. But even in the midst of all this carnage and depression, I find a small ray of hope. Among the ashes of destruction, there is a small rag doll that has suffered the effects of war. Somewhere, a little girl is going to be missing her doll (- I refuse to think that she is dead - ) and she will be longing for its companionship.

Clutching the doll to my heart, I ignore the guards scandalized cries - "You should not touch such a thing, my lady! It will soil your hands." - and continue toward the palace. I hunger for my first glance of the stronghold, even if I once wanted to escape from its restricting walls. My steps slow as we near; for all of my impatience, I am fearful of what I will see. What has happened to our home in the long, forced absence? It would be a great coup for any of the enemy to have destroyed it beyond habitable use.

Rei casts a dark look my way, seeing that I have neglected the use of my sedan chair. She still hasn't forgiven me for considering fleeing the service I've been sold into. Rei considers it a great sin that I could think it would be right to leave the emperor's service. She is a woman who is content with what she's been given, and I can't change her mind.

I lift my eyes and stare at the sight before me. The palace looks as it always did; a bit overgrown with weeds in the courtyard, but it is still an imposing place. I'm positive that there will be no gilded furniture, no golden statuettes, no silken clothing, _nothing_ left in the palace of value. It will all have been stolen to be sold in a black market, or burned and destroyed out of spite.

Instead of letting that stop me, I step inside the palace to help begin the rebuilding. I may never have a single man's unconditional love, but my life is content for now. It must be enough, I suppose.

The fires of my spirit must not burn so brightly that it harms others with the intensity, but I will be myself. I will find happiness somehow in this place. Maybe I don't always understand the reasons behind Fate's actions, but I do know that, somehow, Edo is the place I'm supposed to be.

It may not always make sense, and I might not always be happy at being here only for a man's pleasure, but at least I am secure in this life. Others would not understand it, but Rei knows about the new philosophy I've found, and Motoki's friendship is not something I'm willing to sacrifice.

Maybe this is truly how you grow up… To realize what it is that you don't want to lose, no matter what you might be missing out on.

* * *

_**The End…**_

_Author's Notes_: I know; you're all wondering how can I end this story at this point. Right? I just think that this ending is a proper one. Usagi's life has come full circle: she had an opportunity to escape, but she ended up back at the palace. I hope you've all enjoyed your journey with me in this story. Thanks for all the reviews and support.


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